Eye Contact During Sex

Making eye contact can feel very vulnerable, regardless of if the recipient is a loved one or a complete stranger. Looking another person in the eye is intimidating enough, but if they’re looking right back at us, we can feel even more uncomfortable.

On a literal level, making eye contact means being seen by another person. So many of us have fears and insecurities that we would like to keep hidden from other people, and there’s something about eye contact that can feel like we’re totally exposed. Naked, even.

Speaking of naked, eye contact can be particularly vulnerable when it comes to sex. Sleeping with someone is intimate enough as it is, without the added anxiety of looking at each other while you’re doing it.

Most people have sex in the dark, so eye contact isn’t even possible. Even if there is enough light to see, many people will avoid eye contact.

Your faces may be within inches of each others, but odds are you’ll find ways to look at anything except your partners’ eyes. Others will close their eyes during sex. And eye contact during orgasm – forget it! That’s usually way too intense for most people.

While it may seem intimidating at first, getting more comfortable with greater eye contact can have a big effect on your sex life. Here are some of the potential benefits:

– Increases self esteem: Looking people in the eye is a wonderful way to increase your self-esteem and make you feel more confident. It brings you into a stronger and more authentic relationship with yourself. More confidence outside of the bedroom translates to more confidence inside the bedroom.

– Deepens your connection: Making eye contact with a romantic partner deepens your emotional connection. A number of scientific studies have shown that consistent eye contact is one of the best ways to bond with your partner.

– Builds trust: It doesn’t matter if your sexual partner is a casual friends-with-benefits or a long-term romantic partner – having more trust leads to better sex. When you believe that you’re with someone trustworthy, you open yourself up to a wider sexual repertoire and greater pleasure.

– It’s arousing!: Eye contact during sex can be extremely arousing. It’s an amazing experience to watch your partner experience pleasure, and to be witnessed in your own pleasure.

Bottomline… Eye contact is a pretty anxiety-inducing experience for many of us.

Question: Is eye contact during sex important to you?

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Curiosity & Real Estate

So my Tinder “friend” left his phone unlocked when he went to the shower, so I let my curiosity get the better of me. I couldn’t help but wonder, was I losing trust in him or was I really just curious?

I noticed his Tinder profile as I was swiping through, and I couldn’t help but wonder, should I be mad at him for not deleting his profile, or am I equally to blame, because I still have mine?

In my mind when it comes to relationships, it’s always prudent to aim for a man with class, and direction over a boy with swag. But this “friend” is different. Different in the since he is 27yrs old, with an incredible mind for business specifically real estate.

The guy owns 26 apartments, and 10 moving trucks, and did not come from money. So again I’m like curious as hell as to how he got his start. Well long story short, he caught me on his phone… and I flat out asked, “are you a drug dealer? How are you doing all of this at 27?” He shook his head, took his phone, dressed then left.

Fast forward: I did not hear from this guy for a month or so–then out of the blue I got an email from him:

When you think about making money, you have to think about helping and serving others. Why? Because that is where money comes from. Other people.

There are two main ways to serve other people. You either add value to their lives or you provide a service to them.

In the real estate context, this is the difference between the dealer (flipper) and the investor. The flipper is the add value person. The investor is the service provider.

Let’s start with the dealer. You go out to a neighborhood where you properly evaluate a home to be worth $120,000. That is the after repaired value or ARV. Because of reasons such as death, deferred maintenance, divorce, foreclosure or taxes, you are able to buy it for $75,000. In this case we’ll say $20K in deferred maintenance is the reason for the low price. You now purchase the property for $75,000, put $20,000 into rehab and have about $5000 in holding and closing costs. This puts you all in at $100,000. You put it on the market and sell the property in a couple of months for $120,000. This gives you a net profit of $20,000.

First let’s look at where the $20,000 came from. Did the real estate give you any money? No. It was the family that bought the property that gave you the money. You made money because you added value to other peoples lives.

Now let’s look at the investor. Take your average 40 unit apartment complex or 20 single family homes. You are going to net about $4000 per month if run effectively. Where does that money come from? Again, it comes from other people. It comes from providing a service to the families that you are providing a place to live.

It is important here to make a distinction between the dealer and the investor. If you will think about the $20,000 versus the $4000 it can sometimes look like the dealer is the better deal. However, let’s look closer.

If you’re a flipper and you buy, fix-up and sell a house profiting $20,000, how long does it take you to spend that money? For most people it’s not very long.

Remember that dealing is not investing–it is not investing. It is earned income so it is taxed differently.

First you have to pay both sides of the social security and Medicare. That is about 15% right there. Then you have to pay your income tax and that can be an additional 25 to 35%. So if you have to pay the lower tax, that means that 40% of that $20,000 is gone the minute you close the deal. You are left with $12,000.

Now let’s say that your bills, car note, house note, food, toothpaste…everything comes to $4000 a month. How long does it take to spend that $12,000? Just 3 months.

To get another $20,000 what do you have to do? You must go out and find another house and do it all over again. This is active or earned income and you are taxed as such.

Now let’s look at the investor with the 20 rent houses and $4000 a month profit. If their bills are $4000 a month and every month those 20 rent houses hand them $4000 a month, when do they have to go back to work? They don’t.

This is the difference between financial independence and self-employment. A dealer or flipper is just self-employed. He or she is constantly working to get that next house and get that next quick fix.

An investor is done. They are truly financially independent, hence this is how I got started. I bought a small apartment for $27k, moved in with my parents, rented the apartment out–then bought another within a year. I just kept buying apartments. Then realized people need away to move their stuff so I bought a junk truck for $4k blah blah blah.

I never saw that guy again. Matter-fact, he blocked me on all Social Media, and my number.

Question: You think I missed out on a good thing?

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Pressure and Expectations 

As a woman I find or feel I have a lot of pressure and expectations put on me without a vote in the process.

It’s like I’m expected to get married, I’m expected to give head, I’m expected to have kids, expected to do so so many things, I’m not sure I want to do. When do I get a say in what I want to do, instead of having the pressure(s) of expectations thrust upon me.

I’m 23 soon to be 24, and you know sometimes I don’t feel like giving head, and marriage… OMG, really, I can’t freak’n pop popcorn without burning it–never less being a wife.

I just want to do what I want to do. I want to walk around in sweats with no bra and/or makeup, and watch Orange is the New Black or whatever, and not feel pressured to do anything. I want to flat out say NO, without feeling inconsiderate or sitting for hours wondering if my text response was rude. I just want to be me.

As a child women are drunkened with the “this is how you should behave,” attributes–however, I feel somewhere along the generations, someone forgot to tell/teach me/women its ok to be who you are. Its ok.

Now I’m not saying I dont want the family thing, because I do–not now, not just yet. I want to live with out feeling I got to do X,Y, and Z. I want to say I have to pee without feeling trashy. Oh another thing I want to do… I want to tell or say excuse me (within 2 seconds) to the person standing in the middle of the isle at the grocery store.

OMG OMG this may seem strange but guys do it all the time. But me, no I freak’n stand there like forever without saying anything, because I don’t want to seem rude.

But guys like my dad or brothers, man they will say excuse me, keep it moving and its done.

Question: Do you feel woman have unwanted Pressure and Expectations?

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The Ex

I like designer bags but I don’t necessarily like baggage. Not the “ex” kind of baggage. At my age, it’s more likely than not that anyone I would date/end up with has baggage. It’s a term I don’t like because when you find the right guy, his baggage doesn’t seem so much like “baggage” as it does a “pretty package.”

For example, before I met the man I’m now dating, I made it perfectly clear to any man I went out with that I come as a package. If you date me, you’re also, for lack of better description, dating my kid. Meaning, you have to get along with her, she has to like you, and you almost certainly will be my second priority.

When you have a kid, it’s easier to date someone else who has a kid or even children. They usually understand if you have to bail at the last minute because your child is sick, they like children (because they already have them), and they understand why a child can turn from an angel into a sobbing heap on the floor within 10 seconds.

But what I’ve never quite understood is the baggage that is known as “the ex.” Rather, I understand it; I just don’t like to deal with it.

One of my exes had an ex-wife who acted as if she were still his wife. They had no children and it was hard for me to fathom why this woman would still want to go out of her way to decorate his place, ask him to drive her to the airport, and buy him flowers. There is nothing worse than an ex who doesn’t realize she is an ex (at least for the person dating the man/woman.)

The man I’m dating now has gorgeous, kind and sweet children. I thought God was looking down on me, finally, when I fell in love. Plus, his ex lives a 40-minute drive away, is not in my social circle, and we didn’t have any friends in common.

But of course, I was a little naïve. I recently found out that this ex is following my every move on Facebook — which is fine, but, it makes me uncomfortable, especially when exes of the man I am dating, or the men I have dated, check me out. My boyfriend and I are serious, to the point where we both would like to be included in every aspect of each other’s lives. This includes school plays (which he attended with me when my daughter was recently in one) to birthday parties. One of his children has an upcoming birthday party. As we slowly blend our families together, I don’t want there to be any drama.

My ex’s ex-wife (the one with no children) actually wanted to meet and hang out with me. My response was, “Why?” But if I do plan on being a stepmom with my new man, I do understand why I may have to meet my boyfriend’s ex-wife. Do I want to do this? No. Do I think if we can get along at least politely it will be best for the children? Absolutely. Does she have to like me? No.

But if my ex was/is dating another woman who could possibly be my daughter’s stepmother, I would for sure want to meet her, at least once, to make sure that my daughter is safe. My daughter, her safety and her happiness, will always be my first priority, just as I’m sure that’s my boyfriend’s ex-wife priority.

Question: If you have any ex-partner/parent advice… I’d really like to hear your thoughts.

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Keeping Her A Secret 

It’s obvious that the dynamic of relationships has changed since social media and the Internet. Whether you are in a “situationship”, relationship, or married, the display of being with someone else takes effect on social media platforms. 

Think about it. People are hooking up from online encounters. People are getting married from online connections. Think about any of your previous relationships and what role social media played in it. An important problem that continues to build and tear down relationships with (or without) a social media presence is: The difference between secrecy and privacy.

There is a difference darlings.

– Being secretive means you are hiding something.

– Being private involves acknowledging, but not oversharing.

Seems pretty simple right? Wrong.

There are both men and women who feel as though a relationship should be on full display for others to see. The constant pictures of kissing, holding hands, the status tags, etc. You all know what I’m talking about; the Over-Sharers. Great! We see how in love you all are, and just because people aren’t as gung-ho about your posts as you are, does not mean they are hating. Sometimes, it may actually just be YOU.

I commonly tend to think that this is a direct line coming from insecurities. Don’t be mistaken, this could be any of us at any given time. Like any other human, sometimes we need constant validation about different things. It also depends on the person you are with. If there are behaviors which they/he tends to justify–no “F” that. If there are behaviors causing you to doubt them/him PAY ATTENTION! Truth is you are doubting him for a reason.

Example, whenever $10+ is charged on my debit card, I get an email notification–guess what, I validate every notification. Why because it’s important to me. So when it comes to relationships, if you get a mental “notification,” maybe you should validate what’s going on.

So for those who love a private life, all I’m saying don’t fool yourself. You know if someone is keeping you a secret, and you know if someone just enjoys their privacy.

Question: Has anyone ever tried to keep you a secret?

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The “Print” 👀

Ladies. I know you see it. I KNOW you’ve noticed. You know what time is it.

Just like men have their “Sundress Season” excitement, we have our “Sweatpants Season.”

To me, this is not only the most wonderful time of the year (wink), but it is also common knowledge. ‘Tis the season right? Please don’t act like you don’t know what I’m talking about. I know people usually call this “Sweatpants Season”, but I think it’s important to point out what color is prevalent among these here photos we see! For years, men have anticipated the summertime, where a flowing sundress accentuates every part of a woman’s body. So why can’t we notice and appreciation when a man’s body is being accentuated?

I was told by a man that it was wrong for us women to even be looking at the print of a man in gray sweatpants. His argument is that women do not like to be objectified or glared at by the choice of clothing they choose to wear. While I don’t entirely disagree with what he’s saying, I do see his point. I’ve heard women complain about men staring at their bodies, and it’s usually because they have their own insecurities that they are working on with it. I know women who love wearing sundresses because they love the attention they receive. I think men are no different. Some men hate that they are judged by the print of clothing they choose to wear for comfort. Some men love that they have a good print in their sweatpants. They know it can attract a woman in a way that verbal sexual advances can’t.

I find it interesting that some men tend to be completely insecure about what women think of them in sweatpants. These same men either bash women if they don’t have the perfect figure, or they can’t understand why women have their own body insecurities. When I asked a male about this he explained it in a way that I guess I can kind of understand. Women can work on their bodies and change its shape overtime. The print is something that can’t be changed with exercise and a good diet. Of course there are cosmetic enhancements that can be made to any body, but for the most part, men don’t believe in getting it done, and if it has been done, they are not vocal about it.

It’s easy to say you don’t objectify one sex or the other, but I think it is something we all do. Let’s not take life so seriously! Enjoy the beauty of one another’s bodies. Compliment each other! Enjoy the season, whichever it may be!

Question: Ladies, how many thirst traps have you seen in sweatpants at the gym?

I, too, have been a victim of the salacious images of men in sweatpants.

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Female Friendship

Let’s face it, in the real world, female friendships can be tricky. Like romantic relationships, they often break up due to things like growing apart, having a major blowout, and jealousy. Yet why is it that we can see our friends perfectly but when it comes to ourselves, no matter how hard we look, do we ever see ourselves clearly?

I mean I have never been able to be friends with an ex-boyfriend. I meet these couples who stay friends and I think how? How do they do that? Truth being friendships don’t magically last forty years… you have to invest in them. Biggest question I have is where do they find the energy to invest, because I find woman catty at times, and view all my ex(s) as (dont judge me) Mr-fix-it, and “dial-a-dick.”

So I’m sitting here thinking about my male friends, and the type of male friends we as women should have.

So my thoughts are:

The Flirt. I know, I know. Some of you may be thinking that this treads on the friendship border into unknown territory, but it really doesn’t have to! Sometimes it’s great to have someone to flirt with. There is a mutual respect and understanding between him and you, that it doesn’t need to be taken that far if both of you don’t want it to. It’s great to hear compliments and to give them with the physical appreciation lingering between you two. Who knows, maybe this friend is the one you’ll end up with. They say it’s better to be friends first right?

The Gay Bestie. It’s 2017. If you don’t have a gay best friend, then you’re missing out! I LOVE my gay friends! They give the best dating advice, help you pick outfits, and even better, they’re blunt, just like I like them! If you find a loyal friend, they will defend you to the end. You get to avoid all the female drama that can be overwhelming and unnecessary, while vibing with someone’s energy you truly enjoy. They give the best compliments too!

The Big Brother. It’s nice knowing that you have someone who loves you and is looking out for you. As a woman, yes, we can defend ourselves and handle our business, but to know you have a “big brother” just feels more settling. They also give great advice and can give you insight on the guy you’re thinking of dealing with. You can vent to him, he can meet you for drinks, and ensure you get home safe without all the fuss of a typical “hook-up.” These Big Brother types can learn how to treat a lady from the advice you give them. This relationship is beneficial to you both!

Mr. Fix-It. I have no clue how to put a bookshelf together. Nor do I know how to handle the tools that could help me to complete the task. This is where Mr. Fix-It comes in-the guy you always call to help you put up paintings, pick up heavy objects, and just do general labor that you need help with. What makes this guy interesting, is how happy he is to help! It’s as if he enjoys that “superman” complex in helping a woman in need. I’ve seen men call their other friends together and tackle projects for a female. I find it hilarious, but also comforting that there is still chivalry, in some aspect, alive.

The Party Guy. We all know that one guy who is at every FETE! He knows about every party, he was/is a party promoter, or just knows enough of them from all the parties he’s gone to. I don’t care what kind of female you are; You. Need. This. Man. In. Your. Life. These are the ones who lift your spirit, who encourage you to get out of whatever funk you’re in, and you are guaranteed to have a good time without feeling the pressure of hooking up with him. They know how to make you laugh, and you get to relax!

Question: Can you think of another type guy we need around?

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Cheap Men

Guys, women watch how a man spends — or fails to spend — his money as a direct reflection of how generous and giving he is as a person. For example, a man who calculates his every dime and rarely treats his woman, or his friends for that matter, will be seen as a tightwad who puts his own bottom line above all else–specifically her.

Furthermore, they/we will assume that this trait applies to all aspects of the man’s character, from how open he is with his feelings to how much love he is able to give. This is not to say that women equate love with money; simply that women will be more drawn to a man who is generous both in finances and spirit.

My dating history, coupled with my passion for personal finance and girl power has molded some strong beliefs about men and money.

So, if you were ever wondering, one of my biggest pet peeves when it comes to love and money is cheap men. Seriously. There is nothing worse in my book. But my years of experience have given me the insight to detect that not every man that is tight with his wallet is cheap. He may actually be a keeper because he has a healthy relationship with money. He’s not cheap. He is financially responsible.

Here are a few ways to distinguish between financially responsible men and their no good, bootleg cheapo counterparts.

1. Price vs. Value: Cheap men speak in terms of price; financially responsible speak in terms of value. A cheap man will always find the price of something expensive no matter what the quality, the features, the level of convenience or improved quality of life it would bring. Nothing in the eyes of a cheap man is ever “really worth it.” (Sidenote: Despite it “not being worth it”, he has NO problem accepting it as a gift.)

On the other hand, a financially responsible man can objectively see why a product or service may be priced the way it is and still decide that he will pass on the purchase because it is not that important to him.

2. Hoarding vs. Handling: Cheap men hoard and hide money; they tend to be risk averse and would prefer to hide money in the lining of his mama’s fur coat than to spend it or invest it to buy something meaningful or to plan for the future. Financially responsible men, on the other hand, handle their money. They invest and envision. For example, financially responsible men may decide to save their money to purchase a home, invest in an index fund, set themselves up for retirement, or start their own businesses.

3. Treating Themselves vs. Treating Others: Cheap men are selfish. They have a scarcity mindset and only believe that there is enough for them. They don’t buy gifts for others; they don’t tip well; they lie about being broke to avoid chipping in. In other words, they are not generous when it comes to opening their wallets to show largesse to those that they claim to love. Financially responsible men, conversely, don’t mind showing their romantic companion a lavish time from time to time. They plan for splurge so they do not get sidetracked from their long-term financial goals. Similarly, they do not squeeze the last bit of service out of waitresses, department store workers, or cashiers

Question: Which type of man are you dating?

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Sex & Lies

Sex can be one of the most intimate and bonding experiences two people can have … but it can also be a time fraught with uncertainty, irritation and … LIES! C’mon, we’ve all lied occasionally about, during or after sex. “Was it good for you?” can really only be followed by, “Of course it was, honey,” unless you want to break up. If it wasn’t, bring it up later (gently) in the therapist’s office. Here’s ways we lie about sex.

1. Being on birth control. Sadly, women do lie about birth control sometimes. One woman confesses to telling her husband she is NOT on birth control even though she is. They mutually decided to have a baby, but after they hit financial and relationship problems, she decided it wouldn’t be a good idea. But when she tried to bring up going back on bc again, she says he “knows he’ll be mad and upset and think we’re breaking up or something.”

2. Not being on birth control. Probably the most dangerous sex lie a woman can tell — secretly trying to get yourself impregnated is never a good idea. Whether it’s to hold a relationship together, to twist a proposal out of a guy, or to just have a baby cause you’re ready and he’s not — STEER CLEAR of this major lie!

3. Of course I’m clean. New couples should have STD talks with each other — but usually it takes the form of, “Have you ever been tested?” and then the other person says, “Of course I have. I’m totally clean.” In reality, you don’t know unless the person shows you test results! And believe me, people lie about it. Some even go so far as to lie when they know they do have an SDT. A model is suing her rich ex after discovering she had herpes, which she believes he gave her.

4. You’re the best lover I’ve ever had. Might be true. But if not, you’ll say it anyway.

5. You’re the first lover I’ve ever had. Not everyone lies about this, but some do for some strange reason.

6. Sorry, got my period. One of those sneaky little fallback lies women rely on when they’re not in the mood. Some guys don’t care and will grab you anyway, but enough do get skeeved that it can be reliably used as an avoidance tactic.

7. Nope, not on my period. For the lady who wants some nookie but is afraid her menses-sensitive guy won’t comply if he knows she’s flowin’, she can just do a clean up and act like she doesn’t have it. By the end of the period, should be good for 15 minutes at least. If she leaks, she can be all, “Oh my goodness, I didn’t realize!”

8. I never fantasize about anyone else. Right.

9. I never masturbate. Okaaaay.

10. I love giving blowjobs. Usually said in the courtship period.

11. Your penis is huuuuge!

12. It tastes great.

13. You smell great.

14. That feels great. Yeah, even when he’s pinching your nipples like a toddler death-gripping a favorite toy.

15. Number of sex partners. Guys inflate. Girls forget (For women some encounter don’t count 😊)

Question what sexual lies have you told?

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After-Sex Selfie

There’s no getting around it. Selfies are here to stay, but is the after-sex selfie the new notch on the bedpost?

Recently there’s been a new trend on Instagram: #AfterSex selfies (NSFW). It’s exactly how it sounds: tousled-hair couples lounging in various states of undress and post-coital bliss. Who thinks of these things? I’ve shared plenty of selfies, but I’ll never post an after-sex selfie.

I enjoy getting a peek into my friends’ lives through their Instagram feed. My instaphotos reveal my love of food, a cat who rules my desk, and my coffee addiction. Oh, and selfies, of course. With a quick glance, anyone will be able to figure out my preference for Starbucks and my hunger for Asian food, and my love for SurveyStud, Inc.

You won’t, however, figure out how my hair sticks up after a romp in the sheets.Sharing a post-sex selfie seems self-congratulatory to me. Grabbing the phone to document the occasion is rather counterintuitive for basking in a euphoric post-sex cuddle.

My anti-cuddling self would rather grab my smartphone to read an ebook instead. I’m pretty sure posting a photo of my guy fast asleep with an #aftersex tag would be considered TMI. Not to mention boring.

Naturally, I asked my guy what he thought about the #AfterSex selfie trend. His response: “Why ruin the moment by bragging that you just had sex?” Interesting. (Note to self… keep him 😉.)

Question: Would you share an After-Sex Selfie?

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