Keeping Her A Secret

It’s obvious that the dynamic of relationships has changed since social media and the Internet. Whether you are in a “situationship”, relationship, or married, the display of being with someone else takes effect on social media platforms. 

Think about it. People are hooking up from online encounters. People are getting married from online connections. Think about any of your previous relationships and what role social media played in it. An important problem that continues to build and tear down relationships with (or without) a social media presence is: The difference between secrecy and privacy.

There is a difference darlings.

– Being secretive means you are hiding something.

– Being private involves acknowledging, but not oversharing.

Seems pretty simple right? Wrong.

There are both men and women who feel as though a relationship should be on full display for others to see. The constant pictures of kissing, holding hands, the status tags, etc. You all know what I’m talking about; the Over-Sharers. Great! We see how in love you all are, and just because people aren’t as gung-ho about your posts as you are, does not mean they are hating. Sometimes, it may actually just be YOU.

I commonly tend to think that this is a direct line coming from insecurities. Don’t be mistaken, this could be any of us at any given time. Like any other human, sometimes we need constant validation about different things. It also depends on the person you are with. If there are behaviors which they/he tends to justify–no “F” that. If there are behaviors causing you to doubt them/him PAY ATTENTION! Truth is you are doubting him for a reason.

Example, whenever $10+ is charged on my debit card, I get an email notification–guess what, I validate every notification. Why because it’s important to me. So when it comes to relationships, if you get a mental “notification,” maybe you should validate what’s going on.

So for those who love a private life, all I’m saying don’t fool yourself. You know if someone is keeping you a secret, and you know if someone just enjoys their privacy.

Question: Has anyone ever tried to keep you a secret?

Leave a comment below…

SurveyStud: In the App Store

The “Print” 👀

Ladies. I know you see it. I KNOW you’ve noticed. You know what time is it.

Just like men have their “Sundress Season” excitement, we have our “Sweatpants Season.”

To me, this is not only the most wonderful time of the year (wink), but it is also common knowledge. ‘Tis the season right? Please don’t act like you don’t know what I’m talking about. I know people usually call this “Sweatpants Season”, but I think it’s important to point out what color is prevalent among these here photos we see! For years, men have anticipated the summertime, where a flowing sundress accentuates every part of a woman’s body. So why can’t we notice and appreciation when a man’s body is being accentuated?

I was told by a man that it was wrong for us women to even be looking at the print of a man in gray sweatpants. His argument is that women do not like to be objectified or glared at by the choice of clothing they choose to wear. While I don’t entirely disagree with what he’s saying, I do see his point. I’ve heard women complain about men staring at their bodies, and it’s usually because they have their own insecurities that they are working on with it. I know women who love wearing sundresses because they love the attention they receive. I think men are no different. Some men hate that they are judged by the print of clothing they choose to wear for comfort. Some men love that they have a good print in their sweatpants. They know it can attract a woman in a way that verbal sexual advances can’t.

I find it interesting that some men tend to be completely insecure about what women think of them in sweatpants. These same men either bash women if they don’t have the perfect figure, or they can’t understand why women have their own body insecurities. When I asked a male about this he explained it in a way that I guess I can kind of understand. Women can work on their bodies and change its shape overtime. The print is something that can’t be changed with exercise and a good diet. Of course there are cosmetic enhancements that can be made to any body, but for the most part, men don’t believe in getting it done, and if it has been done, they are not vocal about it.

It’s easy to say you don’t objectify one sex or the other, but I think it is something we all do. Let’s not take life so seriously! Enjoy the beauty of one another’s bodies. Compliment each other! Enjoy the season, whichever it may be!

Question: Ladies, how many thirst traps have you seen in sweatpants at the gym?

I, too, have been a victim of the salacious images of men in sweatpants.

Leave a comment below…

SurveyStud: In the ApAp Store

Getting Dumped

Recently the subject of guys and breakups came up and Amy Goldenberg, Consumer Research Analyst, SurveyStud, Inc and I went back and forth about what guys generally go through when they breakup.

I’ve heard things like “When a guy’s relationship ends, he replaces her. When a woman’s relationship ends, she mourns,” or “He’s just hooking up with such-and-such to spite the ex-girlfriend,” or “Guys just don’t care” and other nonsense.

To dispel the misconceptions, let’s take a look at some of the universal truths about guys and breakups – some of which may surprise you since they certainly are hidden from the surface.

Breakups are hard on all guys. Simple enough to say, but I know plenty of women will talk about how some guy came off like an insensitive jackass after the relationship fell apart because of his actions post-breakup.

The fact is: If a guy is profoundly obnoxious or terrible after a breakup, it is most often a testament to how rough the breakup was on him. Some people cope by lashing out.

But what about the guy who breaks up and goes totally cold?

Jerry Seinfeld once said that breaking up a relationship needs to be like taking off a Band-aid – One motion: OFF! In the same regard, when a relationship ends, it is much much harder for a guy to go back and discuss and revisit and talk through and explain…

In fact, guys like to keep their emotional spectrum focused on a tight range of emotions – somewhere between amusement and contentedness. So any interaction that a guy knows will bring him out of that sweet range of emotions is an interaction he’s going to do everything he can to avoid.

Personally, I have had breakups where I pretty much went cold. It’s not that I simply stopped caring. I wanted her to be OK, I wanted good things for her in life, but I knew that nothing was going to make the situation better.

No discussion was going to fix things, no clarity was to be had – it would have just been an emotional toilet for both of us. I realize it probably came off jerky, but when I cut off communication, my heart is in the right place. (Don’t get me wrong, I’m not a monster, I won’t completely cut a girl off, but I definitely won’t discuss anything along a relationship conversational thread.)

But what about the guy that immediately gets into a new relationship right afterward?

This could be for a few reasons.

In the case where you dumped the guy, one common reason is that the guy doesn’t want to be alone, he doesn’t want to deal with his grief over the breakup and he doesn’t want to “deal with himself.”

Sure, you could seek closure… or try to get the ex back… but if we/I/he could go back and tell 15-year-old self a piece of advice about breakups, it would be, “If you get dumped, just move on right away. It doesn’t mean anything about you, your worth, your attractiveness, your value, etc. It has nothing to do with you, you don’t need to understand, you don’t need closure. Move on immediately, you’ll save yourself a whole lot of time and heartache.”

Leave a comment below…

SurveyStud: In the App Store

Clues She’s Cheating

Most guys hopefully won’t have a similar experience to the one Luke Wilson’s character has in Old School, when he arrives home early from a trip only to find his girlfriend cheating on him.

Truth is that the odds of your girlfriend or wife cheating on you have increased over the years, according to a SurveyStud study. In the 2015 study, 19% of women admitted to cheating compared to research showing that 10 – 15% of women reported being unfaithful in the 1990s. (If you’re wondering, 23 percent of guys admitted to cheating, according to the study.)

The most common reason a woman would cheat is because she feels taken for granted, according to Amy Goldenberg, Consumer Research Analyst, SurveyStud, Inc. So your best bet to prevent ever getting cheated on in the first place is to keep your effort high throughout the relationship instead of just when dating, notes Goldenberg.

Still, if you and your partner haven’t quite been in sync as of late and think something may be wrong, here are some signs that she may be cheating on you. The key word here is “may.” If you can relate to a few of these, consider confronting her about it in a calm way—and definitely don’t immediately accuse her. “To stay in a good place: Listen without judgment,” Goldenberg says.

1. She’s not sharing details about her life with you

Anyone who’s ever told a lie understands the risk of getting caught when people start pressing you for more details. With each added layer of falsehood, you’re that much closer to exposing yourself as a liar.

So how does that translate to relationships? “What you’re not talking about can be very telling,” Goldenberg says. “For example, if she comes home from a two-day conference and doesn’t talk about the conference, that could be a clue that something’s up. People do not like to talk about something that hasn’t happened for fear of being discovered.”

2. You’re no longer her go-to guy

It’s also a big deal when you’re not the first or even second person that she talks to about her day, according to Goldenberg. “It likely means she’s talking about all that to someone else,” Goldenberg says. “And sharing personal details of her life with this other person who truly listens and encourages her only deepens their emotional connection.” Goldenberg says when a spouse used to tell you about a co-worker or friend and then stops talking about them entirely, chances are something may be up.

3. She looks noticeably different

“Cheaters have the tendency to change physically,” Goldenberg says. “Love handles disappear, posture changes, makeup gets applied daily, and their muscle tone/definition returns.”

So, if your girlfriend who used to wear sweats and no makeup to do errands is now getting dressed up and doing her makeup before leaving the house to go to the convenience store, that might trip a few alarm bells, according to Goldenberg. The key factor here, though, is whether these changes are sudden and drastic, Goldenberg says. “Sometimes, it’s not necessarily what they’re doing, but what they are doing differently.”

4. Your sex life isn’t the same

Most people think a sign of cheating would be that you’re not having as much sex as you used to. But a more accurate warning sign, is that a couple is dramatically changing how they’re making love.

“A sudden interest in experimenting with new positions or techniques in bed, or interest in things that she wouldn’t consider before,” Goldenberg says, can be a sign that she’s having sex with other partners and bringing it back into your bedroom.

5. She’s extremely defensive for no reason

”When you calmly tell your partner that something feels different, and she responds in an aggressive way, it may be because she is deflecting or hiding something. “In a loving relationship, your partner wants to know how you’re feeling. This is part of the process of resolving what feels different or uncomfortable.”

Goldenberg stresses that if there isn’t trust in the relationship, it won’t be able to survive or grow so the onus is also on you. “The first thing to do is to stop seeking constant reassurance after you have been reassured,” she says. “This puts pressure on the relationship without any benefit.”

Question: What are signs that a person is cheating?

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SurveyStud: In the App Store

How She Flirts

If there’s one thing you learn today ladies, let it be this: The way girls flirt is like a sport. How? Why? Because it takes a while to properly develop the skills needed to master the art.

Men are clueless confusing creatures and oftentimes miss the subtle signs we put forth when we’re trying to tell a dude we like them. If you don’t make the opposite sex aware that you’re flirting, theres a good chance they’ll have no idea. That said, here are ways girls flirt that men don’t notice—which means you might have to be a little more forthright if you want to catch that cute guy’s eye for good.

1. Crossing your legs

Body language is difficult for some men to understand. One would think that crossing and uncrossing your legs is a pretty obvious flirting method—especially if you’re wearing a pair of high heels or a thigh-grazing skirt—but it’s a move that can easily be overlooked by guys.

Try this instead: Make light body contact. For example: Casually touch his arm while you’re talking, or playfully tap his shoulder if he makes a funny joke.

2. Twisting and flipping your hair

Women always seem to think that constantly twisting and flipping their hair makes them seem like they’re flirting, but it usually just come across as a nervous twitchy habit—not sexy.

Try this instead: Instead of maniacally tossing your hair around, style your locks in such a way that a few strands fall toward your eye, or try rocking some seriously sexy beach waves or a messy loose braid. Think about the hairstyles you feel most confident rocking and go with that. Odds are, it’ll translate.

3. Freshening up every five minutes

Guess what? If you dash to the bathroom to brush your hair or reapply your lipstick every five minutes, guys won’t notice.

Try this instead: Put as much effort into your appearance as you want before you meet them, but focus your energy on making great conversation instead of worrying about how you look.

4. Winking

Okay, it might seem cliché, but some women still might think winking is sexy. If you wink at a man, he might think you have a tick.

Try this instead: Make great eye contact while talking to him. It’s sexy, smart, and shows you’re really listening.

5. Laughing at everything he says

Laughing can be a great way to flirt—when things are genuinely funny. But if you’re speaking to a man and you laugh at everything he says, you’ll confuse him and come off looking a little ditzy—or nuts.

Try this instead: Smile often (nobody likes a sullen date) and laugh when you truly find something he says funny—not when you think you should be laughing.

6. The goodnight text

Sending someone you’ve just met (or are casually dating) a goodnight text can come off as needy. Sending these types of texts could cause guys to view you as a typical “girl” instead of thinking you’re slyly flirting with them.

Try this instead: Don’t text a guy goodnight until you’ve been on two solid dates and know you’re going out again.

Okay ladies, now you’re clued into some techniques that men likely don’t consider flirting. So, don’t waste your time sending out the wrong signals—get out there and use the above tips to show him you’re into him.

Question: How else do you flirt?

Leave a comment below…

SurveyStud: In the App Store

Cheated On Then Dumped

Is there anything worse than being dumped? Don’t answer that. I know that basically there are lot of things worse than being dumped by your boyfriend or girlfriend, but there’s something so raw and personal about being dumped. It feels personal because it absolutely is personal. All the emotions that you go through — sometimes for days, and (I hate to admit) sometimes for much, much longer like year.

We all have our rituals that we do to get over a breakup. Some people have certain music that they listen over and over to, careful not to play their song or sometimes deliberately playing their song. Other people indulge in whatever numbs the pain whether it’s icecream or a little medicinal weed. I’m not judging you, I have been there too.

When I’ve been badly dumped (and there is a difference between the yeah, I can tell this relationship is doomed to the out-of-nowhere breakup) it sometimes felt as if I cried more than I actually spoke. Sure, I tapered off with my crying, but it took a really long time to stop completely as if I had to go through a rehab for heartbreak.

No matter how you try to avoid it, we all get dumped sometimes. It’s not fun, but you can survive it. Here are things to remind yourself to ease the heartbreak:

1. You Are Everything

End of story. If he or she, doesn’t see that, then why would you want someone so clueless in your life?

2. All Bad Times Eventually End

It seems as if this post-breakup period will never end and that the pain is infinite, but it will be gone someday, and you’ll look back on that idiot of an ex and think “Why did I lose my sh*t over them?” You’ve just got to feel all the feels.

3. Now Is Not The Time To Hide Away

You may be doing everything in your power not to have to explain the breakup to anyone and to not run into your ex and their new love. Eff that, get dressed, do whatever it takes to face people and get out there.

4. Your Future Is So Bright, No One Can Throw You Any Shade

Everybody is going to tell you that it takes time to get over a breakup and inside you’re going to think they’re all wrong: you will never get over this. But you will, and you’ll be the same person you always were just with an extra layer of empathy and wisdom. All your ex did was intensify the brilliance that is you.

5. Don’t Underestimate The Power Of You

Getting dumped can feel like getting a punch to the gut and a stab in the heart at exactly the same time and it can be tempting to blame the fact that things didn’t work out on yourself. Don’t do it. You’re great, amazing, spectacular. Just because your ex didn’t get the how amazing you are, doesn’t mean you need to shrink down your self-esteem and self-confidence.

6. It’s Time To Focus On Moving On

Stop obsessing over them and try to keep the Social Media stalking–I mean, making sure they’re doing OK, to a minimum.

Finally (based on personal experience), that relationship was “training grounds” so you understand how to handle Mr. or Ms. Right For You!

Question: Have you ever been dumped?

Leave a comment below

SurveyStud: In the App Store

Signs You’re Dating A Total Jerk

Does it feel like your relationship is a roller coaster that you just can’t seem to step off of? Do you go from happy to sad at the drop of a hat? Have you stayed up late picking your friends’ brains about your partner’s behavior?

If you found yourself nodding to these questions, it’s time to consider the strong possibility that you might be dating a jerk.

In the past I’ve talked about the signs you’re dating a narcissist, but the garden variety jerk is something that I haven’t talked about much yet. Clearly, there are more obvious things jerks do, like lie, cheat and steal, but what about the more subtle signs that you’re dating one? The answers lie largely in how they make you feel.

Note: Jerkiness is NOT gender specific, so what follows can be applied to both men and women.

I spoke with Amy Goldenberg, Consumer Research Analyst, SurveyStud, inc about this topic and based on data, this is what she had to say:

1. You make excuses for their behavior.
When they let you down, you tell yourself (or worse, your friends and family) the most seemingly logical reasons why they let you down (he was tired, she was busy at work) but deep down you know better. Their behavior sucks, and you’re doing your best to rationalize and explain it away.

2. Their attention feels like a drug.

When they show you attention, you feel happy. When they let you down for the 23rd time this month, their withdrawal hits you right in the gut. If they’re running hot, you can relax a little, but watch out when they go cold. Your emotions, thoughts and feelings hinge on their actions in an unhealthy way.

3. They toss you crumbs.

One night they may stand you up completely and text you the next day happily like nothing happened. You might have no luck getting a response one day, but the next they are completely on top of the communication. They have a hard time making time for you. You feel like you’re dead last on their priority list.

4. They regularly flake on you.

You’ve come to realize that all plans with them are “tentative” since they only come through for you some of the time.

5. You feel “crazy” or “unhinged.”

When the other person goes hot and cold, your emotions cycle from downright bliss to abject depression. A little bit of attention from them is enough to make you wonder if you’re going off the deep end. The crumbs of their attention combined with the excuses for their behavior is enough to make you wonder if it’s all in your head.

6. They insist that you do everything to their standards.

You might not even know what their standards ARE, but it feels like whatever you do is wrong. They are critical of efforts that you make even in good faith. The relationship feels difficult.

7. You feel like you have to chase them to get your needs met.

Because they don’t really have your best interests at heart (or even vaguely on their minds), getting appreciation, encouragement or even acknowledgement is an uphill battle. They may make vague promises that they don’t keep.

8. They don’t ever ask about you.

They don’t really seem to want to know much about you. Your conversations can be deep and wonderful (because they managed to hook you in the first place) but over time it becomes clear that they don’t really seem to take much interest in you besides when you’re in their immediate company.

9. When you need them, they’re too busy.

Need a favor? Need help moving? They are nowhere to be found or have a lame excuse for why they can’t help you.

10. They’re selfish.

It feels like you’re constantly dancing to the beat of their drum rather than the other way around. When given the choice between doing something nice for you or themselves, you suspect they’d choose themselves every time.

Question: Have you ever dated a jerk?

Leave a comment below

SurveyStud: In the App Store

It’s Okay to Be Angry

In the past few weeks, I’ve found myself experiencing some spouts of irritation. I kept finding myself with more and more things that I had to do, but with less and less motivation to do any of it.

The demands of my internship here at SurveyStud, inc, the demands of schoolwork, and other demands were causing this built up irritation.

It was very difficult to admit to this irritation because, rationally, everything that I was doing was right. I was doing the things that I needed to do that would, theoretically, help me grow and achieve my goals.

When I’d paint the picture logically, it’d flow perfectly and make sense. I mean, I was doing things that could help my own personal development and growth, so how can I not like that?

This would then lead to thoughts of, “Oh but maybe if I’m resisting all of this so much then that means that I need to work on that more, right? I mean, that is what can happen during some personal and spiritual development activities.”

I’d talk myself out of my own feelings because they seemed so out of place to where everyone else was. So I’d simply go along with it and only express my frustrations vaguely to a few select people in fear that my irritation was somehow “wrong.”

But the truth is that honestly, I was pissed off. I hated it. I hated doing all these things that I was being told to do. “Their” way didn’t gel with me. Something was off and I was feeling like the alien because I felt like I was definitely not doing the same kind of process that everyone else was. I just wanted to do my own thing, in my own way, in my own unique process.

The fact that I simply felt like I couldn’t really do things in my own unique way and in my own unique time pissed me off. I felt trapped and I hated that feeling so incredibly much.

This was so incredibly hard to admit to myself because, I mean, how can I really be angry over something that I, first of all, not only chose to do but, second of all, it supposed to help me?

It was kind of like one of my earlier experiences where I found myself angry at a therapist (or two) of mine during my undergrad. I was very irritated and angry from working with her, but I had told myself to simply go along with it because “she’s qualified to be helping me.”

Needless to say, trying to convince myself that it’s okay and to ignore my own frustrations just caused more harm then good.

Though we may not like our own anger or feel that, for some reason, it is not okay to be angry, pissed off, or hate something, the truth is that our anger can be the key to truly discovering the desires of our heart. It is by acknowledging our anger that helps us to see what it is that our soul is calling us to do so that we can take proper action and move forward.

Allowing ourselves to feel our own anger and irritation can be the key to discovering what it is that our intuition is guiding for us to do next. If we allow ourselves to simply be mad and then take personal responsibility for it by taking action to help release that anger, then we allow ourselves to progress and move forward.

Accept what it is that you need to do to move forward and then do it! Are you angry at your job and it has helped you realize that you need to quit? Are you angry at your partner or a friend for something they did? …well talk about it to make your frustrations known.

Question: Have you been angry about something lately?

Share your thoughts below!

SurveyStud: In the App Store

Things Men Don’t Care About 👀

I don’t need to tell you that men and women are different. That’s simple. One place that some of these differences play out is when women think that, simply because they care about certain things, men do, too. Newsflash ladies, men don’t care about much except living, sex, video games, and kick-off time. But since I’m contractually obligated to educate, here are some things that women think men care about:

1) Whether or not your bra and panties match

I know that coordination is something women do, which is why you can buy a bra and panty set together. So if you have on a fuschia bra and magenta panties, who cares? He is only concerned with whats inside the package not outside. By the way, fuschia and magenta could be the same color as far as he knows.

2) Your boob size

See, if he is with you, it’s because he likes you as you are. Which includes your boobs regardless if you are an A-cup or Triple-H–note there are exceptions to the policy.

3) Decorating

Have you ever done a bang up job decorating your man’s place…or better yet, thrown him a party with lavish decorations and stuff, and when he saw it he barely noticed and went for the first comfortable spot he could find? It’s because men dig comfort and routine. All that stuff can be extremely nice, but if it wasn’t there, would he find a way to be comfortable? Probably. Women need to create a space to feel like home. Most men create home with the space they have.

4) Gossip <= Most Men

It's not that men don't know who Beyonce is or who she's sleeping with. He heard about it on the news. Frankly, he does not care. Isn't that why we have girlfriends?

5) Why you are late

They’re generally just pissed that you’re late. The reason is insignificant. That’s jacked up, but really, so is that outfit–which means it’s not a good reason to be late. Do better next time.

Question of the Day: Do you agree?

Leave a Comment Below

SurveyStud: In the App Store

Perfect Lipstick Shade

How often do you find yourself staring at the shelves of lipstick, feeling lost, confused, and questioning your entire (beauty) existence? 

There are so many different undertones, consistencies, and finishes that make a trip to the makeup aisle seem more like a task than a fun jaunt. Even for me, as a makeup artist, it’s no cakewalk digging for a fresh new shade. But here’s the thing: It doesn’t need to be a daunting endeavor. Luckily, once you have a few key guidelines, it’s quite easy to find the best lip color for your skin tone.

First and foremost, it helps tremendously to know your skin’s undertone. This little detail can actually assist in many fields of beauty and fashion, so it’s great to have it in your arsenal.

Most people fall into one of two categories: warm or cool. Those with cool undertones tend to have fairer skin, while those with warm undertones have a golden or olive hue. If you find it really hard to determine your undertone, there’s a chance you’re neutral (a mixture of both). Below, I’ve put together a few quick tips that can help you find your skin’s undertone as well as the perfect shade of lipstick to match.

1. If you have a pink, red, or bluish hue to your skin, you are a cool tone. You can tell your undertone is cool if the veins in your wrist look blue, silver jewelry complements your tone, or you tend to burn before you tan.

2. For your skin tone, lip colors with blue- or purple-shaded undertones look best. So when you go to choose a red lip, steer away from orangey shades and veer more toward deep-bluish reds. Be careful with shades that are too light, as they can wash you out.

3. If you have a yellow, golden, or olive hue to your skin, you likely have a warm undertone. You can tell your undertone is warm if the veins in your wrist look green, gold jewelry complements your skin, or you tend to tan or get bronze fairly easily.

4. For your skin tone, lip colors in warm shades will look best. So go for really red or orangey colors.

5. You guessed it! Those with neutral undertones look good in both silver and gold jewelry, and a wide spectrum of colors typically tend to complement your skin. For you, lip color is a free-for-all!

If You’re Still Lost…

If you still struggle to identify your undertone, remember is that, ultimately, your lip color is up to you. If you feel like you look best in a coral but that doesn’t align with the “guidelines,” that’s okay—just do you. At the end of the day, we all feel the prettiest in whichever choice makes us the most confident.

Question of the day: Does this make sense?

Leave a comment below…

SurveyStud: In the App Store