Her Emotional Intimacy 

All couples long to experience a sense of emotional safety in their relationship—the sense that stability exists between you and your partner, knowledge that you’ll be there for each other when needed. As one wife recently said at a SurveyStud, Inc event, “For the last 8 years I’ve known my husband has had my back, and that has made all the difference in our relationship. We’re not always perfect, but I guess perfection isn’t necessary…”

Believing and feeling that your partner is there for you when you need him/her is emotionally grounding, and can instill you with a sense of hope, connection and comfort that transcends time and location. But this sense of security doesn’t just arise out of thin air. As you just heard, the wife knows that her husband is committed and emotionally available to her because he has demonstrated this more often than not throughout their 8yr marriage.

Don’t Expect Perfection, But Don’t Abandon Expectations Either… 

Here’s what you should expect: Is the wife always able to meet her husband needs? Of course not, and the husband expected perfection, sooner or later there would be mounting tensions, mutual frustrations and marriage problems would likely result from her unrealistic expectations. Emotional Intimacy Requires Consistency, Not Perfection.

A constant is something that is always present. A constant doesn’t vary. When you expect perfection, you’re demanding a constant—for instance, that your partner constantly meet your needs. But as anyone in a long-term relationship will tell you, life just doesn’t work that way–no matter how much we’d like it to.

Expecting your spouse/partner to constantly give you the attention, responsiveness, love, compassion, caring, follow-through, etc., you’d like sets the relationship bar out of reach. And while you should set the relationship bar high (we become better people through being challenged), setting it beyond your partner’s reach is just a recipe for frustration and a lack of fulfillment.

Relationship Help: What’s the Alternative?
Expect consistency. Ask for it. Emphasize it. Let it be known that you need your partner to be as consistent as possible in being responsive to you—tell him/her that consistency makes you feel safe and deepens emotional intimacy. And show your partner consistency in return…one of the most effective ways to get your needs met is to show your partner what you mean through your own actions. Discussion is great, but demonstration is even better.

The expectation of consistency (rather than constancy, which implies perfection) allows for wiggle room; it gives space for those inevitable times when you and your partner fail to meet each other’s needs—it allows for the imperfections of living while expecting more and believing in one another.

Expecting consistency lets your partner know that s/he cannot just mindlessly coast through the relationship day after day, month after month, year after year; it also sends the message that you’re not unrealistic or a tyrant, yet you do require that s/he steps up to the relationship plate and gives it his/her all.

How will you and your spouse/partner make consistency the norm in your relationship while creating space for the imperfection that being human requires?

Question of the day: Are emotionally consistent to your partner?

Leave a comment below

SurveyStud: In the App Store

Advertisements

Self-Audit your goals

We all have a mountain — a seemingly insurmountable goal — looming in our life. But before we attempt to climb our mountain, we all ask ourselves… Can I do it?

In other words, will this journey be worth my time, money, and energy? On a deeper level, we want to know if failure is a possibility.

Failure is always a possibility. Actually, there’s a greater chance of failure than success if you don’t audit yourself prior to climbing your mountain(s.)

According to Amy Goldenberg, Consumer, Research Analyst, SurveyStud, Inc, about 80% of people who set New Year’s resolutions fail to achieve them. Now based on SurveyStud’s data, I’m sure the same statistic applies to people who set goals on any of the other 364 days during the year.

Either way, there is a huge disconnect between the goals we set and the goals we accomplish.

I believe with a little insight, guidance, and accountability that anyone can achieve their goals–if they are realistic.

I understand all of us are not into taking risks but in order to reach your goals, you have to step out in faith, and risk “failing.”

You may avoid suffering and sorrow if you don’t risk, but you simply cannot learn, feel, change, grow, love, live. The greatest hazard in life is to risk nothing. The person who risks nothing, does nothing and has nothing. Only a person who risks is free.

What causes individuals to shy away from taking a risk, even if it is a low risk and will give them something they really want? Well, certainly high on most people’s list would be fear of loss, failure and perceived humiliation if the loss were to occur. Thus gials are never accomplished.

Why would we automatically think that we would fail at something? Why wouldn’t we first try and see, and then if we did fail, learn from that experience and move on? What causes us to have these thoughts of inferiority?

Well, I believe it dates back to our little life. And, since risk-taking, to my knowledge, is not a subject that is taught in school, it would lead me to believe that a person’s fear of taking risks might stem back from before they can even remember. When you were a child taking your very first steps, it wasn’t uncommon to hear one of your parents or guardians say, “Be careful, you might fall.” Or, “Don’t do that, you’ll ….” Though some of this is rhetoric and you don’t really pay much attention to it, for some, it begins the pattern of playing it safe.

Think of how much better equipped we would be to face life’s challenges and succeed, if we had repetitively heard, “Take a chance and don’t worry about falling, because you’re going to fall… probably quite often.

Falling is an important part of learning.” Many of the greatest lessons you’ll receive in life are going to come from falling … from your failures.

Question of the Day: Whats the worse thing that can happen if you fail–now you know, do something to avoid it.

Awesome day to audit your goals.

SurveyStud: In the App Store

How often do women think about sex

Lets take a sneak peak into my life, and pour out my secrets about sex. I’m always thinking about it. Is this normal?

I called my therapist to talk about this, and hell she never answered–at $200 an hour… anyway. I then called Amy Goldenberg, Consumer Research Analyst, SurveyStud, Inc and she had some interesting data on the topic.

Research revealed that men think about sex almost 34 times in a day. So, how often do you think women think about sex – once a day, twice a day or every hour?

Contrary to the popular belief, women think about sex just as much as men do. Basic instincts are anything but basic and surveys too have stamped the fact. Ladies think about sex on an average 18.6 times a day, which works out once every 51 minutes.

Sex means different things to different people but we have to admit that it is a healthy and a natural activity. Hence, we need to shrug our inhibitions and communicate about our needs. As a matter of fact, curbing sexual desires may land you in a risky situation. Thus, we need to understand the deep hidden secrets surrounding it.

Women think about sex 18 times a day, which is half of what majority of men are capable of. Blame it on the testosterone levels. Sex drive depends on testosterone levels, a hormone found in abundance in men but women have only one tenth of the amount of testosterone as men.

SurveyStud’s research suggests that there are hundred other factors that drive sexual drive in women other than love. Using sex as a revenge for her man’s infidelity, a romantic setting, to boost their self-esteem, women have more than 200 reasons to have sex apart from love.

Does alcohol or drug help?

Yes, definitely. If you think your woman’s sexual drive is increased after a couple of drinks, you are right. A woman’s libido is aggravated with drug and alcohol use. But overdose of anything is harmful. Hence, if taken in huge quantity, women might lose their libido activity.

Smartphones help too!

We all have smartphones and internet connection available at our fingertips. Easy access to any kind of information, makes women more communicative and experimental about their sexual desires. With information, women now have an easy access to a bigger slice of the porn market too. And women like to watch porn! With messenger apps and their innovative features giving a push to the trend of sexting, which is another reason behind aggravated sexual desires in men and women both. In our busy lives, a couple does not need to be together to see each other, they only need to send their nude picture through one of these apps.

So my questions ladies, give me a round about number, how often do tou think about sex in a day?

Now you know…

SurveyStud: In the App Store

Why Women Are Moody

Women and tears get a bad rap. The same goes for women and anger, women and assertiveness, women and anxiety – the list goes on.

Call women crazy, but a more accurate descriptor might simply be “not men,” suggests Julie Holland, a psychiatrist and author of the new book released this week​, “Moody Bitches: The Truth About the Drugs You’re Taking, the Sleep You’re Missing, the Sex You’re Not Having, and What’s Really Making You Crazy.”

“We feel more deeply, express our emotions more frequently and get moody monthly,” Holland writes. “It’s normal.”

Not only is it normal, it’s a strength.

“Moodiness isn’t a weakness, it isn’t pathology to be stuffed down,” the 49-year-old from New York told U.S. News in an interview. “And the truth is, when you try to stuff down and not feel, you end up sicker.”

Anyone who’s tried not to cry or been told to calm down – only to get weepier or angrier – knows this. “You have to feel your feelings and experience them in order to integrate them and move on,” Holland says. “If you push it down, you get stuck.”

Holland talked to U.S. News about why women are moody, why that’s a good thing – and what women can do to manage their swings​ more naturally. Her responses have been edited.

Are women really more moody than men?

Women’s and men’s brains are different. The truth is, women are wired to be more verbal and to talk more, to talk about feelings more, to feel feelings more deeply, to express more deeply, to notice feelings in other people – that’s the biology.

This is really one of our biggest assets. Our emotionality is potentially a source of power for us. It’s something that helps to keep us safe and keep our children safe.

What about environmental influences?

We’re totally not sleeping enough. Televisions at night, computer laptops at night, smartphones at night – all of that light is not only interfering with our sleep, but it’s screwing up our metabolism and making us fat.

The problem with less sleep is you have less control over your emotions, too. The frontal lobe sort of inhibits emotional sensors by saying, “Calm down.” When you’re sleep deprived, that whole mechanism does not work very well. This is another potential reason why you’re moody.

How did moodiness come to be viewed as a bad thing?

I do lay some of the responsibility at the feet of Big Pharma. If you look at ads for antidepressants, for anti-anxiety meds, even for anti-psychotics, they have targeted women for decades. Women who are feeling things too deeply and, honestly, women who bother their doctors too much. There are ads from Valium in doctor’s magazines from the 60s that say things like, “For your patient who calls you all the time, try Valium.”

​Big Pharma’s targeted women for a long time, and I think that’s just sort of our culture. Women aren’t encouraged to say what they feel, they’re not necessarily encouraged to express dissatisfaction or the fact that they’re angry. And that’s​ been going on for centuries.

What are the consequences of a culture like that?

My worry is that all of these women being medicated is creating a new normal. As I say in the book, if enough women get breast implants, the rest of us feel flat-chested. There are so many women who are taking the edge off their emotionality or making it harder for them to cry or connect to people. The more women that get medicated, the lower the stigma for other women to get on meds, and that’s totally what’s happening.

It’s not just bad for women, it’s bad for the world, it’s bad for our society. After 9/11, our rates of taking antidepressants and other psych meds went way up and stayed up. And if you look at France right after the Charlie Hebdo attack, they had about a 20 percent bump immediately in prescriptions for sedatives, anti-anxiety meds, sleeping pills. It’s happening in America, it’s happening other places, too.

Now you know…

SurveyStud: In the App Store

Your Eyebrows Are Telling People About 

Your eyebrows are a pretty big deal. You may not realize it until something causes them to go awry (Remember that scene in My Best Friend’s Girl, when Jason Biggs has his shaved off? Oh, I’m the only one who saw that movie? Anyway…), but they do a lot—protecting your eyes, helping people recognize you, and yes, giving hints to your personality.

I sat with Amy Goldenberg, Consumer Research Analyst, SurveyStud, Inc, and Jean Haner, a facial reading expert who helps directors cast celebs who have faces that match their movie character’s personality–and Jean says both Chinese facial reading, which stems from Chinese medicine, and western science have found that we react to people’s faces without realizing that we’re doing it. “It’s an unconscious thing, so we can’t help it. And according to Chinese face reading, you’re born with your eyebrows for a reason. We all come with a [facial] blue print—it’s a map of who you are—so any changes you make to your face, including your eyebrows, can shake things up. It creates an internal change that can be a positive thing that breaks you out of old patterns and gets you going again, or hurts you if you’re not aware of the effects a certain change could have.”

So check out what Jean says your current eyebrow look is communicating to other people, and if you’re looking for a change, don’t rule out a new trend just yet. It may do you good.

Just looking at Rih-Rih makes you think that she’s a forward-thinking, assertive woman—and that’s because of her strong eyebrows. If you’ve got ’em too, then you likely have a ton of self-confidence, are very decisive, and work hard to get things done—there’s no point in lollygagging, as far as you’re concerned.

The downside: It’s pretty easy to piss you off, and it doesn’t take much for you to feel frustrated. Every once in a while, try to take a few deep breaths. Not everyone feels quite as confident as you in their decision-making process, so give ’em a few seconds to get on your level before moving forward.

Rih-Rih could be in a Taylor Swift’s squad, but their eyebrows are speaking different languages. Taylor’s are way thinner naturally, and if yours are too, then you may struggle with making decisions and like to get input from others before moving forward with a concrete plan. It may also mean that you have self-confidence issues, so surrounding yourself with friends who lift you up is wise. And since you like to take as few risks as possible, you carefully visualize how situations might play themselves out—which, in Taylor’s case, makes sense because her Wildest Dreams video looks a whole lot like the VMAs-winning Blank Space. Hey, if it ain’t broke…right, Tay?

Girl, if you’re over-plucking your eyebrows, we want you to stop. Not only is it not on trend, but it also reduces all the good qualities that ladies with bold brows have (see the assertive, uber-confident description above). SurveyStud reseachers also discovered that this type of brow grooming can lead others to believe that you’re narcissistic. General rule of thumb: let those beautiful brows be as full as you can—they look gorgeous in their natural shape

Finally, Queen B! While she definitely has some boldness going on—explaining her run the world persona—it’s Beyonce’s eyebrow shape that has us intrigued. The curved roundness to them means she—and you, if you’re mimicking the same look—wants to create as many win-win situations as possible. That makes you a savvy business person, and someone people like to be around and work with. You have a natural warmth that radiates off you, and researchers even discovered that eyebrows like yours (high on the inner brow) tell others that you’re totally trustworthy. So don’t be afraid to host the next book club at your place—people tend to feel very comfortable when you’re around, and you usually go the extra mile to make sure they’re well taken care of.

Now you know…

SurveyStud: In the App Store