I Am a Hairy Woman

I am a very hairy woman. When I was in primary school, the mean kids would call me werewolf when I exposed my arms. In high school, it was “DJ Gorilla” or “Unleash your beast”, the ongoing joke being that I was a man on account of how hairy I am.

Now, I’m not looking for sympathy. I have spent 24 years in this body and it’s hairy as shit and I’m OK with that. I wax, I bleach and I shave, but I’m not as upset about my hairiness as you’d think. Yes, that’s mostly because I’m lazy and can’t be bothered. Sometimes I will just let my moustache be there because I can’t force myself to go buy wax. This is obviously part of the “acceptance” phase of my relationship with my body hair. Again, I’d like to reiterate that said acceptance isn’t about reaching some higher level of zen or self love, it’s literally just about having too many other things that are far more worthy of my worry.

This wasn’t always the case: I spent most of my teen years horrified by what a hideous, hairy beast I was. The aforementioned name-calling really didn’t help. I would obsessively bleach and shave and wax before any occasion at which my body would be exposed (a pool party, for instance). I used to have my arms waxed regularly and I made my mom swear on my life that one day she would pay for me to have laser hair removal on my happy trail.

Being a hairy lady is hard, especially when unrealistic standards of beauty in the media would have you believing that every grown woman is as free of body hair as she was the day she slid out of the womb. Oh, how younger, less self-accepting me would’ve loved to have had the slick, hairless body of a Victoria’s Secret Angel! If you’re a hairy-ass lady, don’t sweat it (seriously sweat plus excessive body hair is not a fun recipe for BO)—There are worse things than being hairy. Being mean or racist or having incurable foot fungus, for example. Regardless, there are still struggles that go along with being a woman who is blessed with excessive body hair. Such as:

1. I’m not saying that only super hairy women understand hair removal (because, clearly, most women get it to a certain extent) but talk to a hairy girl about hair removal and it’s like talking to Neil deGrasse Tyson about the universe—girl will know more than you knew there was to know.

2. Nothing bums a hairy girl out more than having a hairy lower back. Maybe a happy trail on her tummy. My mother calls my hairy lower back my welcome mat which never ceases to gross me out. I had one ex-boyfriend who would stroke it, like it was his pet, which also made me feel wildly uncomfortable. It’s the thing I was most ridiculed for growing up. While I’ve never waxed it, I have contorted myself into some pretty weird positions trying to bleach it. Hairy girls will understand: it’s not that your back hair makes you feel gross or insecure, it’s that having it there makes you feel genuinely melancholy, because your back is like a dude’s back (or at least what you’ve been taught a “dude’s back” is supposed to look like, compared to what a “woman’s back” is “supposed” to look like, all of which is super unfair and weird and leads to you needlessly hating something on your body). And no matter what you do to it the fact is the genetic lottery gave you a merkin on what’s supposed to be a very sexy part of a woman’s body.

3. A hairy girl probably spent the majority of her formative years (the ones where the most bullying happened) fake tanning the crap out of herself based on the logic that if she somehow could bring the color of her skin closer to the color of her body hair, somehow the body hair would look less obvious. Note to hairy self-tanners from a former hairy self-tanner: this logic is extremely flawed.

4. The sad fact of being a hairy girl is that no matter how much you wax, bleach and shave yourself, you can’t avoid that 5 o’clock shadow. It’s there on your legs, right after a shave. The heads of thick black hairs waiting just under the surface of the skin. A couple of weeks after waxing, there they are again. Likewise, when bleached hair starts to grow out, especially on your longer arm hairs, the new growth looks even more prominent against the few bleached hairs that are left. The battle against body hair for a hairy woman is constant and deep down in your bowels you just know: it can’t be won. Which is why it’s especially nice that the battle against hating your body hair definitely can be won.

Finally, I went to high school with a girl who had to take a week off school because she burned her face trying to bleach the thick black hairs on it. This girl had pube-like sideburns, and when she finally recovered from her injury, the bleach, even though left on way longer than it should have been, only managed to turn the hairs orange, rather than the angelic, diaphanous white a hairy girl hopes for. I’ve definitely substituted my upper lip hair for a red bleach burn scab before, and even the most veteran bleacher can make a boo-boo. Bleach is like cocaine. Once you put a little under your nose, you convince yourself that a little bit more, then a little bit more, a little bit more, will make everything better—which usually works out about as well as when you do it with cocaine.

Question: Whats tour thoughts on hairy women?

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Cunnilingus 101

So lets talk about cunnilingus a.k.a. eating pussy, crunching the carpet, mustache extension or whatever grotesque names out there.

I can report I had a horrible experience a few days back, hence I feel it’s time to bring this topic to the front of the congregation. So I turned to trusted friend Amy Goldenberg, Consumer Research Analyst, SurveyStud Inc, to help “the guys” understand exactly what to do when mouth meets vagina.

Please remember going down on a woman is chess not checkers. Meaning you have to watch, learn, understand her body language.

Anyway lets get to the matter at hand:

Please stop pointing your tongue

We don’t want to name names, but lots of people out there go straight for sword-tongue when they start giving a woman head. Please do not do that.

“Most women do not like a pointy, hard tongue on the clit,” said Goldenberg. “Try flattening your tongue and using broad strokes.”

Repeat after me: broad strokes. BROAD STROKES. The hard, jabbing tip of your mouth-muscle is giving nobody an orgasm any time soon.

Go ahead and use your hands

In my experience, most cunnilingus-providers aren’t afraid to shove a finger or two up in there while going down. Which is great. Goldenberg suggests curling two fingers up towards her belly button once they’re inserted, and using a “firm ‘come here’ motion” to stimulate the g-spot.

But! Fingering her isn’t the only way to incorporate your hands.

“You can also use the labia to massage the clit by gently pressing the lips together and kneading the clit between your fingers,” said Goldenberg. “Putting firm pressure on the mons pubis (the mound) and incorporating circular motions will also help to awake the nerves.”

To toy or not to toy (to toy!)

There’s a misconception (I hope it’s a misconception, anyway) that men out there are intimidated by sex toys. Nothing can replace a real, human dick, so don’t worry. But that doesn’t mean a good toy can’t help with oral, especially because – well, you probably can’t get your dick up there at the same time, and sometimes it’s nice to have penetration that doesn’t involve a fingernail.

Stay the course, a.k.a. pay attention

There’s nothing worse than when your partner has found a really super rhythm with you, they’re licking away, and then suddenly they decide that because you’re so into it they should start going as fast and hard as humanly possible just when you’re about to cum.

Instead, if you’re doing something that has your woman writhing with pleasure, just fucking keep doing it. You will know she’s writhing with pleasure by the fact that she is writhing. In order to notice that, though, you’ll have to get out of your own head (ha) and focus on her movements.

“Often, when women want more they will thrust their hips towards your mouth,” said Goldenberg. “Once you found the movement that works, repetition is key.”

Forget what you learned in high school

If what you learned in high school is that forming the letters A-Z with your tongue is the way to make a woman come, I regret to tell you that you’ve been woefully misinformed.

“A big misconception is that people should write the alphabet with their tongue,” said Goldenberg. “This is silly, because when you’re concentrating on letters in your head, you’re not paying attention to her signals in the moment.”

Any suggests creating suction around the clit, as if it were the head of a penis, and always using a flat tongue to go back and forth.

Keep these rules handy, and you will have a happy lady on your hands. And in your mouth (COULD NOT RESIST.)

Self-Forgiveness

Have you ever noticed or felt you are stuck on something which happened in the past, and for whatever reason you can’t emotionally move beyond it.

Self-forgivesness is a process–a process which is different for everyone. But no matter how long it takes, there’s hope! Here are some steps you can take during the journey:

Become clear on your morals and values as they are right now.

The reason (According to Amy Goldenberg, Consumer Research Analyst, SurveyStud, Inc) most of us feel guilt or shame for actions done in the past is because those actions are not in line with our current morals and values. Our past wrongs can actually clue us in to what we hold important. By identifying our morals and values, we start to get a clearer picture as to “why” we’re hurting over what we’ve done, or what others did to us.

Realize that the past is the past.

This seems fairly straightforward, but when we can really wrap our head around the fact that we can’t undo the past, the past is done, those things happened, we open ourselves up to more acceptance. Increased acceptance can lead to the emotional healing we are all looking for.

Create a “re-do.”

Never underestimate the power of a “re-do”. Write down how you would have done things differently if you could go back and do it again. In doing so, we affirm that we not only learned from our past mistake, but that if we had the skills we have now, back then, we would have done things differently.

Realize you did the best you could at the time.

The way we respond depends on the skills we have, the frame of mind we’re in, and how we perceive the situation at that moment. Maybe we didn’t have as much objectivity, or acted out of survival or protection mode. Maybe we’d let stress build up, which put us at a higher risk of responding poorly. Whatever the factors, cut yourself a break. If you learn from it, it was never in vain.

Start acting in accordance with your morals and values.

The best thing you can do for yourself in order to forgive is start replacing the negative behavior and thoughts with more appropriate ones that are congruous with your morals and values. By so doing, you reaffirm to yourself that you can handle situations in the way you want to. This can lead to a sense of pride, which is a huge part of building self-esteem.

Identify your biggest regrets.

When I talk with people on the importance of  moving on from their past, it can be very overwhelming for them because they see so many regrets. It’s often helpful to categorize these things because people often only hold on to a handful of big categories/patterns. Working on patterns of behavior is often more helpful than working on individual regrets.

Tackle the big ones.

There may be some regrets that don’t seem to improve, and they’re going to require some extra work. I call it “clearing your conscience.” This means it might take bringing this regret into the room and apologizing for your past mistake.

Turn the page.

At some point, you have to accept that the past has happened and you’ve done everything in your power to amend past mistakes. It’s now time to turn the page and accept those events as part of your story. They’ve all contributed to making you who you are. Being grateful for those experiences allows you to move on and truly forgive yourself.

Cut yourself some slack.

When we learned how to ride a bike, most of us realized it would probably take a few tries before achieving perfection. New behavior and thinking patterns are no different. They’re both skills. Cut yourself some slack while you’re on a new learning curve. Realize that you’re going to make mistakes. We all do.

Question: Do you find it hard to move beyond past hurt?

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SurveyStud: In the App Store

Lady Whiskers

Every woman has that one humbling flaw that keeps her (somewhat) grounded and human. Some have struggly feet, others bad skin and the rest eye-watering breath, deformed thumbs or unflattering facial hair–no no no let’s call it what it is, a freak’n mustache. I said it, a mustache.

Now I’m very grateful for the genes that my parents have passed down to me. The fair-skin/facial hair struggle is real, and it’s the one thing my family line could’ve kept to themselves! My “Lady Whiskers” has caused a lot of insecurities to develop over the years that I’m just now working past.

“Why don’t you just shave it off?”

Well my friend, it’s not that simple because it grows right back with a vengeance. It’s not obnoxiously noticeable, but it’s enough for me to acknowledge every time I look into a mirror.

For those who endure this struggle, have you ever went/gone to an eyebrow wax and the lady asks do you want a lip wax too? Really. Everytime this happens I smile, and say no thank you, but in my mind I’m thinking… GZus lady, stop drawing attention to it–because the one time I actually allowed you to handle the stache, I walk out with a red and swollen upper lip.

Then theres the never ending shade on selfies, I’ve become a filter queen. I also find that I keep my hand over my mouth thinking it will keep people from noticing it. Truth is it don’t. Oh yeah, I can’t wear certain lipstick colors because they highlight my lip whiskers.

Bottomline, I’m not one to waste tons of dollars on different methods to see what sticks, so if I can find one good method that is effective and doesn’t break the bank that would be perfect!

Question: Does anyone know any methods which could help me fight these lady whiskers?

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SurveyStud: In the App Store

Pressure and Expectations 

As a woman I find or feel I have a lot of pressure and expectations put on me without a vote in the process.

It’s like I’m expected to get married, I’m expected to give head, I’m expected to have kids, expected to do so so many things, I’m not sure I want to do. When do I get a say in what I want to do, instead of having the pressure(s) of expectations thrust upon me.

I’m 23 soon to be 24, and you know sometimes I don’t feel like giving head, and marriage… OMG, really, I can’t freak’n pop popcorn without burning it–never less being a wife.

I just want to do what I want to do. I want to walk around in sweats with no bra and/or makeup, and watch Orange is the New Black or whatever, and not feel pressured to do anything. I want to flat out say NO, without feeling inconsiderate or sitting for hours wondering if my text response was rude. I just want to be me.

As a child women are drunkened with the “this is how you should behave,” attributes–however, I feel somewhere along the generations, someone forgot to tell/teach me/women its ok to be who you are. Its ok.

Now I’m not saying I dont want the family thing, because I do–not now, not just yet. I want to live with out feeling I got to do X,Y, and Z. I want to say I have to pee without feeling trashy. Oh another thing I want to do… I want to tell or say excuse me (within 2 seconds) to the person standing in the middle of the isle at the grocery store.

OMG OMG this may seem strange but guys do it all the time. But me, no I freak’n stand there like forever without saying anything, because I don’t want to seem rude.

But guys like my dad or brothers, man they will say excuse me, keep it moving and its done.

Question: Do you feel woman have unwanted Pressure and Expectations?

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SurveyStud: In the App Store

Venting…

I remember the first time I tried to describe the physical sensation of menstrual cramps to my dad. His face twisting into a horrified grimace.

Yes. Yes, it can be. And many of us deal with it every month. But unless you’re our SO or close friend, you’ll probably never know about it. Because we still manage to get sh*t done.

There are a lot of similar struggles that women experience all the time — some silly and small, some alarmingly big — that many men might not be aware of or understand. For example we’re always expected to look nice. And to look happy and have a pleasant demeanor. Seriously, sometimes we want to go outside with frizzy hair and no makeup and sweatpants and not talk to or smile at anyone. I also hate white I go to sleep on white sheets, with a white pillow, and wake up with sheets that look like a 1st grader just colored all over them… uggggghhhh.

OMG what about thinking about your safety ALL the time… Where you walk, how dark it is, where you park, who is in your general vicinity at all times. Parking at the mall? Don’t park near a van! Want to stay late studying? Better have someone walk you to your car. It’s exhausting honestly.

See guys dont have these type of thoughts and or problems.

Then you have the petty stuff i.e… painting your nails with the non-dominant hand–how about going-upstairs boobs. Sleeping face down boobs. Hello I’m going to hurt for no reason today boobs. Boob bra knot boobs. We’ve fallen out and going to do our own thing today boobs.

Don’t judge me, I’m venting…

If I happen to run a few errands or God forbid go to school or work without makeup on and I run into someone I know, I get ‘hey are you okay? You look sick.’ And then when I do wear makeup and I look all cute and presentable, I’ll hear, ‘yeah guys definitely like the natural look better.’

Then there’s the stress of an unexpected period, but then also the stress of an unexpected not-period.

Then theres shaving my kneecaps. Twenty-three years of practice and I’m still awful at it.

Finally because I don’t want to bore you with my problems, but ANYTHING and everything you do with the opposite sex can ([and] probably will at some point) be interpreted as being a tease or leading him on.

I could go on-and-on. Sorry, thanks for reading 🙂

Question: What’s something you want to vent about but for whatever reason have not let it out?

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SurveyStud: In the App Store

Bikini Wax

So today I took my best friend to get a Bikini Wax, and I learned something I did not know i.e… there are many types of wax–OMG where have I been.

From a landing strip to a love heart, the front fluff is a thing to be cherished. Here’s how to have some fun with yours, if you fancy:

Before we get all waxy with ya, let’s be clear, there is nada wrong with leaving things down there 100% au natural. There’s no pressure to play around with your pubes if you don’t want to, but if you do, these are some of the best styles and shapes to try.

Ideal for a first time waxer, the bikini line touch up is exactly as the name would suggest, a tidy up around the edges. A good option if you want to keep things on the natural side, but prefer a little more definition. Hair is removed from anywhere outside of a modest panty line – so around the tops of thighs and any hair above your panty.

Similarly to the above, the full bikini wax is still nice ‘n’ natural, but with a little more of a neaten up around the top and sides of your pubes. This is usually referred to as a standard bikini line on most salon menus. You can keep your knickers on when you have this one done.

A French wax differs from other styles like a Brazilian as most of the hair is taken from around the front and sides, but the middle (labia) and around the back is left alone.

If you want down there to be smooth and clean of hair, without feeling too bare, French is the way to go.

The shape of the hair at the front is totally up to you, but the landing strip is a classic option. Other popular shapes include a tiny triangle and a postage stamp, but feel free to ask for whatever style you prefer.

Now if you want to feel super clean, Brazilian waxes are one of the most popular options when it comes to primping ya pubes. Unlike the French version, when you go Brazilian they take the hair off the top and sides of the bikini line, but also all the way under and around the back, too. 

If you want to feel totally smooth and hairless, go Brazilian.

Just like with a French wax, when having a Brazilian you can ask for whatever shape you like, many people opt for a landing strip, but another popular option is the Bermuda triangle. It resembles a traditional bikini line wax (with just a neat triangle of hair left) but minus the fluff on your labia and ass.

Question: What’s your thoughts on waxing?

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SurveyStud: In the App Store 

Kissing A Guy With Bad Breath

Looking back at a specific relationship, I am a little surprised I was down for the sh*t breath for so long. I think that had we not been cool and pretty good friends before we tried dating for a while, I probably would’ve nipped that in the bud early. But it’s amazing what you’re willing to look past when you genuinely like someone.

I’m writing this is because during a brainstorming meeting my boss (Amy Goldenberg, Consumer Research Analyst, SurveyStud,inc) said she wanted someone to explain the psychology behind being able to date someone with tart breath (to put it mildly) and never tell them about it. Before I knew, it I was opening my big mouth announcing, “Oh I did that.”

In my defense, I was 20, I had known the guy nearly all my life, and we didn’t date that long. Still, the joke to end all jokes on him was that his breath smelled like some sort of horrid combination of rust and metal. And there I was putting my tongue all up in and through the danger zone. Gag me. Literally.

Any time I was about to meet up with Yuck Mouth (YM,) there was anxiety in my stomach, worrying just what level of stank his mouth was going to reek of that day.

In all seriousness, gum was my lifesaver. I’m never one to leave home without it anyway, but I made sure to double up when I knew we’d be hanging out. And just in case any of you are finding yourself in the unfortunate position of slobbing a yuck mouth, know that the flavor must absolutely be wintergreen, green mint, winter mint, peppermint, or anything in that category. Messing around with that wildberry, bubble mint mess with have feeling like you just stuck your tongue in a field of strawberries that mother nature defecated on. Learn from me, don’t do it to yourself.

Being careful not to stand too close when talking also helped. Like with anything else, the longer you think about something the less likely you are to do it. If I would have been up in his face for too much time before we had one of our cheesy makeout sessions, I’m pretty sure I would have eventually ran the other way and pulled one of those curfew copouts or fake phone calls to get myself up out of that sticky spot. But when the odor doesn’t overcome you until right about the time that you’re ready to start exchanging pecks, those teenage hormones are already in overdrive and you figure eff it. What doesn’t make me throw up, only makes my stomach stronger.

As for why I didn’t tell YM about the atrociousness spilling from his oral orifices. Simple: I wouldn’t be telling him anything he didn’t already know or that would make a difference. The thing is, gum was like a band-aid over his breath. Heck, toothpaste was a bandage over that putrocity (yeah, I made that up). I was convinced my summer fling/friend thing had a serious case of halitosis and what I knew for sure, like Oprah says, is that simply saying “your breath smells” didn’t even cover the half and was surely not going to remedy that ailment

Question: Is it appropriate to tell someone their breath is tart?

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SurveyStud: In the App Store

O-Shot

First off, let me just say that my vagina is A-OK as is. She looks fine, she tastes fine, she smells fine.

I’m a firm believer that God makes each beautiful clamshell perfect just the way she is. I still remember telling a male friend in my younger, more image-conscious days that I shaved my pubic hair off because it just seemed “more sanitary.” To which he responded, “It’s a vagina, not a hospital.”And he was right — it’s not a hospital, nor is it one of those Philosophy bath sets that come out around Christmas with shower gels named “Sugar Cookie” and “Holiday Spice.” It’s OK if it just looks and smells and tastes like, you know, a vagina. I long ago stopped trying to achieve a smooth, plasticized Barbie crotch and now just keep things sort of tidy and contained down there, when I’m not too lazy.

First of all, I love the phrase “vagina spa,” it just sounds clean. Anywho, I decided to take my vagina to a spa, I was left with the task of deciding what vagina service to avail myself of. Should I get the vagina steam, designed to “cleanse, tone and nourish the cervix, uterus, and vaginal tissues”? Nah, too Goop. Or the V-Lift, which promises to “plump and smooth out wrinkles” and, I kid you not, give my va-j-j that “Kylie Jenner-esque lips … on my lips”? Intriguing, but the service required a clean pap smear in the last 6 months, and my most recent was from 9 months ago.

That left me with The O-Shot, described as a “simple procedure that uses your own blood plasma, which is injected into the vagina, to enhance sexual pleasure.” OH, IS THAT ALL? You’re just going to take blood out of my arm and use a needle to inject it into my clitoris and G-spot? No biggie.

The O-shot is supposed to work by isolating plasma-rich platelets (PRP) from the blood, then injecting them back into the body, where the growth hormones within set to work rejuvenating the vagina, treating incontinence, looseness, dryness and lack of sensation.

That O? It stands for “orgasm.” As in crazy-strong, “blow-a-hole-through-the-roof” orgasms. So the first few days afterward, I wasn’t sure if I was feeling much. I thought I felt a little more aware of my clitoris (but not CONSTANTLY AWARE, whew), and it seemed like my orgasms might be a little different. In fact, the first thing my fiancé said when I had my first post-O-short orgasm was, “That seemed different.”

What…? Did I make a mistake–I mean what do you mean “different?”

It definitely seemed a little different, but I hadn’t gotten off for awhile before that, so I wasn’t totally sure it was the shot. And I felt the same way about the next few orgasms — yeah, they seemed a little different, but was it really the shot, or was this just an “I want to believe” situation because I let someone put a needle in my vagina?

But then there was a distinct turn. By the third week, I started feeling much more sensation during sex. I was more quickly aroused, and it was much easier to orgasm once we got started. A few times I even got myself off with my hand during intercourse. My hand. I hadn’t gotten off without the horsepower of the Hitachi Magic wand in ages.

Having an orgasm felt like tipping the ball into the hoop from the rim gently, as opposed to shooting a 3-point shot from half-court. And the orgasms just seemed to get stronger and better, until they were lasting for what felt like minutes. (But were probably actually, like, 15 awesome seconds.)

“That seemed different,” became a regular post-orgasm commentary from my fiancé. In fact, I asked him this morning what specifically had changed about my orgasms, and he said that before I acted “kind of like a woman who’d just had a cat jump on her stomach,” and now I act like “that moment when the devil is inside you and they dump holy water on you.”

Overall, I’m about twice as likely to feel stimulated during sex and achieve orgasm, and those orgasms are stronger and better every time.

Question: What do you think about the O-Shot

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SurveyStud: In the App Store

Fixed My Nipples

Just like snowflakes, no two nipples are the same. (Not even the ones in a matching set.) Let’s just say that if variety is the spice of life, then nipples make livin’ real tasty. But did you know that there are actually, like, clinical categories of nips? The size and color of the areola, the amount of Montgomery glands and the shape and appearance of the teat itself all contribute to the aesthetic of the nipple.

Another thing I’ve learned/noticed is that normally my nipples react to temperature and also when I’m aroused, or maybe even if it’s just whenever anything touches them. But what causes nipples to get hard?

Fun fact: During puberty I thought my nipples were broken. For whatever reason as a child all of the adult nipples I had seen had been erect, so when mine weren’t erect all the time I assumed that they were defective and spent a lot of time in the locker room strategically changing to hide them. Nowadays, I not only realize that my nipples only being erect some of the time is completely normal, but also that nipples in whatever form are nothing to hide or be shy about.

Another thing I was weirded out when I realized the massive difference in the size of my areola when my nipples are erect versus when they’re not. It turns out that’s not unusual, but I still didn’t understand how it could be such a huge change. I also noticed that my nipples are wrinkly… WTF! Apparently: “Epidermis in the unerected nipple shows wrinkles that increases the surface area. This wrinkles enables the surface to expand and becomes flat during erection (Over the last couple of days I have learned so much about nipples: Thanks Google!)

Sometimes I realize my nipples are erect at a moment I wouldn’t expect, because they’re reacting to something the rest of my body isn’t aware of. But I’m not going to question it–instead of being embarrassed or hiding them behind thick clothes, I’m ready to let them out. They’re completely natural and it’s not my job to hide them, or is it.

Question: Whats the best way to handle erect nipples?

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SurveyStud: In the App Store