Emotionally Slutty

At this very moment I feel emotionally slutty. I’m looking for love. Real love. Ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming, can’t-live-without-each-other love.  Yet, the only consistent thing in my life is my dildo, and a daily 48 minute commute to work–unpaid work at that.

I’m at a place in life where I truly believe when men attempt bold gestures, generally it’s considered romantic. When women do it, it’s often considered desperate or psychotic. TIMEOUT how is this remotly fair, and or possible that I can feel like this in 2017?!

Maybe my/our emotional mistakes as women dictate our fate. Without them, what would shape our lives? Perhaps if we never veered off course we wouldn’t fall in love, or have babies, or be who we are. After all, seasons change. So do cities. People come into your life and people go. But it’s comforting to know that the ones you love are always in your heart–regardless if they’re a thousand miles away.

Life gives me/you lots of chances to screw up which means we have just as many chances to get it right. So look at it like this, the universe may not always play fair, but at least it’s got a hell of a sense of humor. If this is the case, then maybe the past is like an anchor holding us back. Maybe we have to let go of who we were to become who you will be.

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SurveuStud: In the App Store

Feeling Lonely

When it comes to relationships, maybe we’re all in glass houses, and shouldn’t throw stones. Because you can never really know. Some people are settling down, some are settling and some people refuse to settle for anything less than Butterflies.

There was a time when being single meant nobody wanted you. Now it means you’re pretty sexy and you’re taking your time deciding how you want your life to be and who you want to spend it with.

I mean I’ve done the merry go round. I’ve been through the revolving door. There were times when I felt like I met somebody I could stand still with and… ha, that’s my inner voice, but then reality kicks in, and I revert back to my last paragraph, “being single means I’m taking my time deciding how / who I want in my life.”

Often I’m mentality yelling how lonely I am everytime I see happy couples, or my friends getting married–truth is it hurts! Me this 20 something educated successful woman (Dont judge Im baring my soul.)

You know I feel like, somewhere out there is someone who will love, understand, and kiss… wait thats my inner voice again.

They say there is someone for everyone on this planet–I bet the person for me died at birth. Oh well… any who let me stop.

Question: How often do you feel lonely?

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SurveyStud: In the App Store

Am I Petty…

There’s no class in high school on how to not be a shitty boyfriend or girlfriend. Sure, they teach us the biology of sex, the legality of marriage, and maybe we read a few obscure love stories from the 19th century on how not to be.

But when it comes down to actually handling the nitty-gritty of relationships, we’re given no pointers… or worse, we’re given advice columns in women’s magazines or this blogg. Yes, it’s trial-and-error from the get-go. And if you’re like most people, it’s been mostly error.

But part of the problem is that many unhealthy relationship habits are baked into our culture. We worship romantic love — you know, that dizzying and irrational romantic love that somehow finds breaking china plates on the wall in a fit of tears somewhat endearing — and scoff at practicality or unconventional sexualities.

Men and women are raised to objectify each other and to objectify their relationships. Thus, our partners are often seen as assets rather than someone to share mutual emotional support.

A lot of the self-help literature out there isn’t helpful either (no, men and women are not from different planets, you over-generalizing prick.) And for most of us, mom and dad surely weren’t the best examples either.

Fortunately, there’s been a lot of psychological research into healthy and happy relationships the past few decades and there are some general principles that keep popping up consistently that most people are unaware of or don’t follow. In fact, some of these principles actually go against what is traditionally considered “romantic” or normal in a relationship.

Below are tendencies (based on research from the folks at SurveyStud)in relationships that many couples think are healthy and normal, but are actually toxic and destroying everything you hold dear.

THE RELATIONSHIP SCORECARD. What It Is: The “keeping score” phenomenon is when someone you’re dating continues to blame you for past mistakes you made in the relationship. If both people in the relationship do this it devolves into what I call “the relationship scorecard,” where it becomes a battle to see who has screwed up the most over the months or years, and therefore who owes the other one more.

You were an asshole at Amy’s 28th birthday party back in 2010 and it has proceeded to ruin your life ever since. Why? Because there’s not a week that goes by that you’re not reminded of it. But that’s OK, because that time you caught her sending flirtatious text messages to her co-worker immediately removes her right to get jealous, so it’s kind of even, right?

Wrong.

Why It’s Toxic: The relationship scorecard develops over time because one or both people in a relationship use past wrongdoings in order to try and justify current righteousness. This is a double-whammy of suckage. Not only are you deflecting the current issue itself, but you’re ginning up guilt and bitterness from the past to manipulate your partner into feeling wrong in the present.

If this goes on long enough, both partners eventually spend most of their energy trying to prove that they’re less culpable than the other, rather than solving the current problem. People spend all of their time trying to be less wrong for each other instead of being more right for each other.

What You Should Do Instead: Deal with issues individually unless they are legitimately connected. If someone habitually cheats, then that’s obviously a recurring problem. But the fact that she embarrassed you in 2010 and now she got sad and ignored you today in 2013 have nothing to do with each other, so don’t bring it up.

You must recognize that by choosing to be with your significant other, you are choosing to be with all of their prior actions and behaviors. If you don’t accept those, then ultimately, you are not accepting them. If something bothered you that much a year ago, you should have dealt with it a year ago.

DROPPING “HINTS” AND OTHER PASSIVE-AGGRESSION. What It Is: Instead of stating a desire or thought overtly, your partner tries to nudge you in the right direction of figuring it out yourself. Instead of saying what’s actually upsetting you, you find small and petty ways to piss your partner off so you’ll then feel justified in complaining to them.

Why It’s Toxic: Because it shows that you two are not comfortable communicating openly and clearly with one another. A person has no reason to be passive-aggressive if they feel safe expressing any anger or insecurity within the relationship. A person will never feel a need to drop “hints” if they feel like they won’t be judged or criticized for it.

What You Should Do Instead: State your feelings and desires openly. And make it clear that the other person is not necessarily responsible or obligated to them but that you’d love to have their support. If they love you, they’ll almost always be able to give it.

BLAMING YOUR PARTNER FOR YOUR OWN EMOTIONS. What It Is: Let’s say you’re having a crappy day and your partner isn’t exactly being super sympathetic or supportive at the moment. They’ve been on the phone all day with some people from work. They got distracted when you hugged them. You want to lay around at home together and just watch a movie tonight, but they have plans to go out and see their friends.

So you lash out at them for being so insensitive and callous toward you. You’ve been having a shitty day and they have done nothing about it. Sure, you never asked, but they should just know to make you feel better. They should have gotten off the phone and ditched their plans based on your lousy emotional state.

Why It’s Toxic: Blaming our partners for our emotions is a subtle form of selfishness, and a classic example of the poor maintenance of personal boundaries. When you set a precedent that your partner is responsible for how you feel at all times (and vice-versa), you will develop codependent tendencies. Suddenly, they’re not allowed to plan activities without checking with you first. All activities at home — even the mundane ones like reading books or watching TV — must be negotiated and compromised. When someone begins to get upset, all personal desires go out the window because it is now your responsibility to make one another feel better.

The biggest problem of developing these codependent tendencies is that they breed resentment. Sure, if my girlfriend gets mad at me once because she’s had a shitty day and is frustrated and needs attention, that’s understandable. But if it becomes an expectation that my life revolves around her emotional well-being at all times, then I’m soon going to become very bitter and even manipulative towards her feelings and desires.

What You Should Do Instead: Take responsibility for your own emotions and expect your partner to be responsible for theirs. There’s a subtle yet important difference between being supportive of your partner and being obligated to your partner. Any sacrifices should be made as an autonomous choice and not seen as an expectation. As soon as both people in a relationship become culpable for each other’s moods and downswings, it gives them both incentives to hide their true feelings and manipulate one another.

Let me stop because my bath water is getting cold, and I realize Im really talking about myself. Am I petty?

Question: Are you petty?

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SurveyStud: In the App Store

Every Woman Should Know

– Grief is a healthy stage that follows heartbreak; however, one is only allowed a certain number of tears per man before it’s time to move on.

– Men are like drugs; they get you high and then drag you down. You become addicted to the anguish of wanting that unattainable first high that you will never reach. Regardless, you keep chasing it with the conviction that maybe, just maybe, it won’t bring you down even further.

– Sometimes we get stuck on the memories of old relationships because they remind us of who we used to be during that period of time.

– Failing to leave the past in the past does not necessarily mean that we want our old flames back; it has to do with finding ourselves and figuring out if we are happy with who we are or if we have changed for the worse.

– The past is an anchor holding you down; you need to let go of who you were in order to become who you will be.

– Sex with an ex is never a good idea. If you enjoy it, then that simply indicates you haven’t gotten any since the breakup. If it makes you feel horrible, well then, it’s just sex with an ex.

– Love and heartbreak both change us in the same way. It’s easy to forget this because while love is something we wait for and yearn for, heartbreak is something we do not like to predict, for we know how wretched it is bound to make us feel, even if it is for
the better.

– Men are like designer dresses on sale at Barneys; they aren’t your style, but you try them on anyway.

– Never lose touch with who you are because of fear. You’ve made it this far, so don’t be afraid to do you and go a little further.

– Falling in love is beautiful; however, never forget to fall in love with yourself first and realize that you are just as beautiful on your own as you are with the man you love.

Question: Have you thoughts about these things in-depth?

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SurveyStud: In the App Store

Hate Your Job or The Commute?

It’s a beautiful time of year in most of the country (sorry, allergy sufferers) and if you’re feeling resentful that instead of stopping to smell the roses, you’re stuck in traffic dealing with the waft of exhaust fumes, you aren’t alone. The average American spends almost 40 hours per year in commuting traffic jams. That’s the equivalent of an entire work week for which you aren’t being paid, on top of the time you actually spend commuting!

According to SurveyStud, Inc, a consumer research for-profit organization, almost 50% of employees say that their commute significantly affects how they feel about their job.

Ok so If you’re not satisfied with your working life as it is, it’s worth asking if the work environment or substantive duties of the job are really to blame, or if your ennui is a function of the time you spend actually getting to your job, which averages around 25 minutes each way for most of us. While we might be quick to dismiss commuting as a disliked but inevitable byproduct of the rise of suburbia, coupled with the untenable cost of living spikes in close-in urban centers where desirable jobs are concentrated (try renting in SF or NYC) and powered our love affair with the car, commuting doesn’t come without well-documented psychic costs. In fact, research from the SurveyStuds, UK office shows that each minute added to a commute time decreased feelings of well-being and life satisfaction and increased anxiety. The effects leveled off at a three-hour commute, which is probably because anyone who spends that long getting to and from work has already embraced full-on nihilism.

In a fascinating look at commuting (including those with extreme commutes) from 2015, research by Amy Goldenberg, Consumer Research Analyst, SurveyStud, Inc, indicates that every 10 minutes of commute time represents 10% fewer social connections. Her calculations make sense. Not only are most people commuting to work alone in their vehicles or Uber, in addition to subtracting the actual hours and minutes you spend on the road from your social bank account, the drain in energy may render you uninterested in hanging out with friends once you finally do stagger through the door in your aforementioned anxious and dissatisfied state.

Even your primary relationship isn’t immune to commuting stress, with researchers finding that couples in which one partner has a commute in excess of 45 minutes are 40% more likely to divorce.

But about commuting longer for a bigger paycheck? Surely, the fact that you’re being paid well should take the sting out of being stuck in traffic–thats IF you are being paid well.

Question of the day: Does your commute suck?

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SurveyStud: In the App Store