Broken

I was about to write an article about a few fun tools to deal with a break up, because, well, I have been dealing with a tough break up myself these last few weeks. However, I realized that I have no fucking clue about what to do after a separation. So I’m just going to say what’s coming out of me in this difficult time.

The fact that my personal life and my professional life are somehow intertwined doesn’t really make it easier. Sex has always been a sort of catharsis for me. It helps me accept myself, identify what I want and it gives me the freedom to be who I am. However, right now, as my heart is broken, it’s hard to relate to sexual desire in general. I mean, I’m super horny because for the first time in a while, I haven’t had sex in, like, a month. On the other side, I’m a total wreck and fantasizing about hot, passionate sex reminds me of my pain.

Well, my subconscious answered that question for me. The other night, after dreaming that I was being murdered by a psychopath, I had another totally different dream. I was hanging out in a room with a very hot black guy. We were playing, chilling, nothing too crazy, until I decided to fuck him by sitting on his dick. And, to my great surprise, I had an orgasm. In my sleep! I usually get quite close to cumming in my dreams, but it’s pretty rare to actually reach orgasm. So, at least, I’ve got this going for me. Yea me!

So, my conclusion is that I need to release my sexual energy and allow myself to fantasize with what comes to my mind. At the risk of sounding objectifying, I’m going to stop drooling over hot ‘viking’ blondes and follow my va-j-j through the darker side, brunettes, blacks, tall, big people… It’s purely a visual thing for me right now since I’m not ready to engage in any romantic stories with people in real life just yet, so, yes, I’m going to stick with people’s appearances for now, and that’s ok.

As I said, I’m not quite ready to date again, yet, but I still felt the urge to check out Tinder last night and torture myself with this depressing reflex. Hipsters and shirtless guys, the market seems sad and I have the feeling I will die alone. Dating. This idea even seems so stupid, somehow. Looking for love, or sex… All this has made me think that maybe we’re going at it all wrong. Are we supposed to find somebody? Do we really want to fall in love? Probably a lot of people can find happiness like this, but I don’t think I belong to this group. Falling in love means falling. It means sacrificing a part of you. It means losing your mind, your clarity, your sanity. It means changing bits of yourself. Just because we’re so freakin afraid to be alone.

I’m at a point in my life when I can really choose what I want. And what I want is to meet awesome people, to choose to spend time with people who bring something positive to my life, without ever shedding pieces of myself. I think I’m finally understanding the true meaning of polyamory. Being totally free, being ok on your own and enjoying the company of all kinds of people who can make your life richer.

I feel like I fell into the trap of blind, stupid love, just because I thought I wasn’t good enough for somebody to love me and so I held on to it like a scared cat only to realize this was destroying me and keeping me from blossoming.

Love is not just this romantic couple-ish crap. It can be way more than this. I’m doing ok thanks to the help of my dear friends, who are always here to support me and reassure me. They show me that I can still be really happy, and even happier than before. They take me out or snuggle with me under the blanket.

It’s important to be ok by yourself, but surrounding yourself with people with good vibes is absolutely crucial to your well-being. I’m really thankful I have true friends who show me that life goes on.

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3 thoughts on “Broken

  1. Agreed with Maria. The power of positivity is Amazing!! The power of self love is also a big one!! I believe that we should be in relationships not to be reassured of our worth but to choose a partner to share things with. Not to sacrifice ourselves entirely but to be a part of something else. However, due to the speed at which life drives us, we end up jumping into relationships for wrong reasons. I am really glad you’re discovering your self love and worth through yourself and not others. 🙂 it’s an amazing thing. Good luck!! ♥️

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