Broken

I was about to write an article about a few fun tools to deal with a break up, because, well, I have been dealing with a tough break up myself these last few weeks. However, I realized that I have no fucking clue about what to do after a separation. So I’m just going to say what’s coming out of me in this difficult time.

The fact that my personal life and my professional life are somehow intertwined doesn’t really make it easier. Sex has always been a sort of catharsis for me. It helps me accept myself, identify what I want and it gives me the freedom to be who I am. However, right now, as my heart is broken, it’s hard to relate to sexual desire in general. I mean, I’m super horny because for the first time in a while, I haven’t had sex in, like, a month. On the other side, I’m a total wreck and fantasizing about hot, passionate sex reminds me of my pain.

Well, my subconscious answered that question for me. The other night, after dreaming that I was being murdered by a psychopath, I had another totally different dream. I was hanging out in a room with a very hot black guy. We were playing, chilling, nothing too crazy, until I decided to fuck him by sitting on his dick. And, to my great surprise, I had an orgasm. In my sleep! I usually get quite close to cumming in my dreams, but it’s pretty rare to actually reach orgasm. So, at least, I’ve got this going for me. Yea me!

So, my conclusion is that I need to release my sexual energy and allow myself to fantasize with what comes to my mind. At the risk of sounding objectifying, I’m going to stop drooling over hot ‘viking’ blondes and follow my va-j-j through the darker side, brunettes, blacks, tall, big people… It’s purely a visual thing for me right now since I’m not ready to engage in any romantic stories with people in real life just yet, so, yes, I’m going to stick with people’s appearances for now, and that’s ok.

As I said, I’m not quite ready to date again, yet, but I still felt the urge to check out Tinder last night and torture myself with this depressing reflex. Hipsters and shirtless guys, the market seems sad and I have the feeling I will die alone. Dating. This idea even seems so stupid, somehow. Looking for love, or sex… All this has made me think that maybe we’re going at it all wrong. Are we supposed to find somebody? Do we really want to fall in love? Probably a lot of people can find happiness like this, but I don’t think I belong to this group. Falling in love means falling. It means sacrificing a part of you. It means losing your mind, your clarity, your sanity. It means changing bits of yourself. Just because we’re so freakin afraid to be alone.

I’m at a point in my life when I can really choose what I want. And what I want is to meet awesome people, to choose to spend time with people who bring something positive to my life, without ever shedding pieces of myself. I think I’m finally understanding the true meaning of polyamory. Being totally free, being ok on your own and enjoying the company of all kinds of people who can make your life richer.

I feel like I fell into the trap of blind, stupid love, just because I thought I wasn’t good enough for somebody to love me and so I held on to it like a scared cat only to realize this was destroying me and keeping me from blossoming.

Love is not just this romantic couple-ish crap. It can be way more than this. I’m doing ok thanks to the help of my dear friends, who are always here to support me and reassure me. They show me that I can still be really happy, and even happier than before. They take me out or snuggle with me under the blanket.

It’s important to be ok by yourself, but surrounding yourself with people with good vibes is absolutely crucial to your well-being. I’m really thankful I have true friends who show me that life goes on.

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Eye Contact During Sex

Making eye contact can feel very vulnerable, regardless of if the recipient is a loved one or a complete stranger. Looking another person in the eye is intimidating enough, but if they’re looking right back at us, we can feel even more uncomfortable.

On a literal level, making eye contact means being seen by another person. So many of us have fears and insecurities that we would like to keep hidden from other people, and there’s something about eye contact that can feel like we’re totally exposed. Naked, even.

Speaking of naked, eye contact can be particularly vulnerable when it comes to sex. Sleeping with someone is intimate enough as it is, without the added anxiety of looking at each other while you’re doing it.

Most people have sex in the dark, so eye contact isn’t even possible. Even if there is enough light to see, many people will avoid eye contact.

Your faces may be within inches of each others, but odds are you’ll find ways to look at anything except your partners’ eyes. Others will close their eyes during sex. And eye contact during orgasm – forget it! That’s usually way too intense for most people.

While it may seem intimidating at first, getting more comfortable with greater eye contact can have a big effect on your sex life. Here are some of the potential benefits:

– Increases self esteem: Looking people in the eye is a wonderful way to increase your self-esteem and make you feel more confident. It brings you into a stronger and more authentic relationship with yourself. More confidence outside of the bedroom translates to more confidence inside the bedroom.

– Deepens your connection: Making eye contact with a romantic partner deepens your emotional connection. A number of scientific studies have shown that consistent eye contact is one of the best ways to bond with your partner.

– Builds trust: It doesn’t matter if your sexual partner is a casual friends-with-benefits or a long-term romantic partner – having more trust leads to better sex. When you believe that you’re with someone trustworthy, you open yourself up to a wider sexual repertoire and greater pleasure.

– It’s arousing!: Eye contact during sex can be extremely arousing. It’s an amazing experience to watch your partner experience pleasure, and to be witnessed in your own pleasure.

Bottomline… Eye contact is a pretty anxiety-inducing experience for many of us.

Question: Is eye contact during sex important to you?

Leave a comment below…

Kegel Muscles

There is nothing like a vibrator. Except one of those battery-powered Noxzema face exfoliators. I know this because I’ve used one as a vibrator. They’re 15 bucks. My vagina is not too uppity to turn down a good deal.

I received my first vibrator when I was a junior in high school, a present from my older sister who was home from college and ready to proselytize her sexual awakening. At first I had to wear three pairs of underwear at once; the sensation was just too much. Then, after frequent use, it became not too much. After even more use, it became, Maybe I’ll turn this up a notch. And finally, I need a vibrator with more horsepower. The Ford Truck of sex toys. Fittingly my masturbation habit became something Henry Ford would be proud of: completely efficient. I could turn the vibrator on high and orgasm in under two minutes. Even if I was just thinking about my grocery list. It was magic.

That is up until I got a boyfriend and found out that it was unfortunately the only magic that worked anymore. Dude is a saint so he patiently tried everything under the sun, and also, kind of the sun — “I’ve read that those SAD lamps can help!” he offered once. On a few rare occasions I managed to eke one out with him — always after drinking lots and lots of alcohol. (Turns out I have the opposite of whiskey dick. I don’t have a dick, for one. And whiskey actually lets me get out of my head so I’m not thinking, “Why isn’t it working?!!” every 15 seconds.) But for the most part we fell into a pattern where we’d have sex, and then afterward he would kind bat at my boobs while I machined my way to orgasm.

I’ve heard of this happening to boys. They spend too many single years strangling their penis like it insulted their grandma, and then later they have a horribly hard time (pun intended) reaching orgasm with a woman. Once upon a time I could orgasm via all the ways one orgasms with a dude — fingers, sex, cunnilingus, idly watching True Detective. But after years of essentially power-exfoliating my lady part, I found that coming any other way required a level of concentration on par with taking the SATs. It was exhausting. Fingers paled in comparison. I barely felt a tongue. I was scared I had vibrated my nerves dead forever, because I am not a doctor and that seemed like a plausible condition to me: Dead Vagina Syndrome. Or, as the professionals surely call it, DVS. I remember being so frustrated one night I ALMOST CALLED MY MOM.

But great news: My vagina is still alive! (Please take a moment to picture it singing on top of the Alps, Sound of Music–style.) Or at least it’s not dead, according to Karen Stewart, a Los Angeles–based psychologist specializing in sex therapy. “Almost 100 percent of women can have orgasm with a vibrator. A man cannot do what a vibrator can, and there’s nothing anyone can do about that. So naturally there’s an addictive quality to it,” she says. “I’ve talked to many women who have been single for awhile and use vibrators by themselves and then have a really difficult time orgasming any other way.” Her suggestion? Put the vibrator in a drawer for a while and concentrate on being more present. Don’t expect to orgasm in a minute. No one does. (Except, of course, with a vibrator. Sigh.) Take it one day at a time. If you can’t resist grabbing your big plastic thing and going to town, try it on a lower setting even if it takes longer. Or there’s always this more palatable option: “Vibrating cock rings are amazing!” Stewart says. “That way he can participate and not feel bad.”

Two weeks ago I put my vibrator in a trash bag. (One filled with like old papers and packaging, not gross foodstuffs, in case I change my mind.) It’s tucked behind the washing machine in my laundry room, out of sight enough so that I’m not constantly tempted, but near another big vibrating machine so it doesn’t get lonely. Three days ago, I had my first non-battery-powered orgasm in a really long time. It was not exactly easy — it took about 45 minutes and an Adderall (For maximum focus!), but point is, it happened. After I came, my boyfriend took me out to dinner to celebrate the totally organic spasm of my kegel muscles.

Question: Has this ever happen to you?

Leave a comment below…

Preventive Sex

Listen, there’s no such thing as a good cockblock. Any time you’re about to get laid and someone gets in the way, it’s going to be hugely unpleasant.

But some cockblocks are more egregious than others. Here are a few of the worst ways that you can be prevented from having sex:

– The So-Close: You and your conquest are back in the hotel room, you’re raring to go, and all of a sudden, your friend stumbles in, sits down, and turns on the TV. Without realizing it, she has just shit all over a hook-up that was this close to happening. The mood is ruined, you don’t have anywhere else to go, and you will remain sexually frustrated for the entire rest of the week.

– The Investigative Reporter: This upsetting cockblock is defined purely by ill intention. In it, the ‘blocker begins peppering his friend’s would-be hook-up with questions meant to be discrediting, either because he’s bored, or because he’s skeptical of the situation, or because he doesn’t want his friend to succeed in life. “Do you have a boyfriend?” he might snidely ask. “A husband? Or wait – didn’t I see you dancing onstage at the Blue Iguana last night?”

– The “For Your Own Good”: The opposite of the investigative reporter cockblock, this well-meant intervention goes down when someone gallantly decides to step in and take over decision-making for a friend. Maybe they feel that their buddy shouldn’t be cheating, or that their roommate will wind up crying for days after having gone home with her ex, or that their free-spirited friend will be horrified to wake up next to the investment banker with whom she appears to be headed home.

But sadly, it’s not for us to intervene when our pals are making bad decisions (unless they’re too drunk to stand up or their safety is in question!). We are not children. Mistakes will be made. Sometimes you have to just sit by and let it happen.

– The Family Member Cockblock: Whether you’re home for the holidays and a parent walks in on you, or your grandmother decides to call you at 7:00 a.m. just as you’re about to have some delightful morning sex, the family member cockblock is particularly distressing because it’s the type of thing that can scar you for life. Once it goes down, you have a relative and sex commingled in your mind. This is a horrible thing to deal with moving forward.

– The Self-Block: Of all the cockblocks to endure, the self-block is by far the worst. As its title suggests, this is when you have no one to blame but yourself for not getting laid. Maybe you passed out, or you didn’t pick up on obvious hints, or you let fly with an offensive joke that turned everyone around you off. Either way, when you think back on it, you realize: You were your own worst cockblock. And that, friends, is something you have to live with for the remainder of your days.

Question: How do you feel about cockblocking?

Leave a comment below…