Queef 

Some feminists like to say that acceptance of female body hair is the final taboo — the final frontier of body shaming if you will. Well, I take your armpit hair and raise you a queef.

A queef is the sound a vagina makes when it sucks in a bunch of air for no reason, and then blows it back out. This sound is loud, disruptive, and often vibrates. Unlike farts, queefs are irrepressible.

While I can hold in a fart until I want to throw up, I cannot suppress a queef. No vagina-baring woman can. In fact, like fairies, queefs almost always make an appearance when you least expect them to – after standing up too quickly, while inverted at any point during a yoga class, or (my favorite), during and after sex.

Whenever I queef a few thoughts run through my head like, “FUCK!!!” or “NO!!!” and maybe, “NOT AGAIN!!”

Vaginas are beautiful flowers and vessels of joy, so it only makes sense that they should possess some glaring flaw. I get it… but does it really have to be the curse of the queef? It freaks me out that vaginas make such a ratchet noise.

Even a gross heathen like myself feels completely mortified, horrified, disturbed, and betrayed when their vagina sounds off like a foghorn without permission. I can’t help but think that post-sex queefs are equivalent to my vagina shaming me, smugly scolding, “PPPFFTT!!! Yeah, that’s what you get you whore.”

I’m still trying to figure out whether it’s best to acknowledge a sex queef when it happens, or to ignore it. I texted a few of my friends to share their queef experiences with me (lol at boundaries), and to confess whether or not they gave a crap.

Basically what I learned is the softest sex can cause an air raid. The sound is always so aggressive and unnecessary no matter what. It’s like okay, we get it. We heard it.

Occasionally a random article will pop up in my Facebook feed titled “Weird Things That Happen During Sex” or something stupid, and queefs always rank among the list. The subsequent advice is always to laugh it off and make a joke about it because body positivity, blah blah whatever.

Question: What do you say when a queef happens during sex?

Leave a comment below….

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8 thoughts on “Queef 

  1. This happened to me at work once, and it was so mortifying. It wasn’t just one queef either… It kept happening. I almost cried. I think I had a yeast infection at the time but that doesn’t really explain it either. It also happens when doing an pulse ups (lifting legs in the air) and so I am always afraid to do this around my husband. Thankfully doesn’t happen a lot during sex, I usually go for the unsexy explanation of too much air and tell him he should pull out all the way and try again. This seriously makes me hate my body, but I love your post. Good to know I’m not alone.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I’ve been married for forever and when my hubby and I are making love and this happens, I STILL am mortified when I queef (I love that word, btw). My vagina has never betrayed me in public before and I hope that she never does.

    Thank you for this hilariously serious post. I sprayed my morning tea all over my keyboard at the office today when I read, “While I can hold in a fart until I want to throw up…” OMG!!!!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Well all have to say is I learned something new today! I have never heard of a “queef” until today. I thought the word was misspelled. The old saying “you are never too old to learn”. That’s only works if us older ones want to keep on learning and not afraid of what comes next.

    Liked by 3 people

  4. I’ve been lucky enough for that not to have happened to me ever after sex, but I must admit I’m sitting at my desk laughing so hard only because the gentleman that sit in here with me has gone else where for the time being. Very unique post!! 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

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